mind. I then began, though with reluctance, to break my mind to one and another of my best friends. I viewed myself as the most wretched and unworthy of creatures on the earth; and was ready to wonder the earth did not open her mouth, and swallow me up, or that my breath was not stopt in an instant. Sometimes when a thunder storm arose, I thought, "Now is the time of my death !" Death I continually looked for, and thought I was ripe for damnation, and ready for hell torments. I viewed myself too bad to live, and unfit to die, and wished I was annihilated. This, however, I was convinced could not be; and that I must be reconciled to God, or endure his wrath for ever. If I took my Bible to read, that condemned me: if I attempted to pray, I hardly knew what to say. The Lord's Prayer I could not use. Conscious I was a child of the devil, and his works I did, how could I say, "Our Father which art in heaven," &c. The publican's prayer alone suited me, "God be merciful to me a sinner." I saw he would be just in sending my soul to hell; and one night, in a special manner, when I retired to bed, it appeared to me, if ever a soul went there, mine must be the one. I feared I should not see the light of another morning; and my bed seemed sinking under me. Death, judgment, and eternity, were constantly before me. the terrors of that dismal night!

Oh

In the morning, however, I felt a little relieved; but this became a new source of distress; for I had professed to be under exercise of mind, and now began to fear I was losing it, and returning to my former stupidity and carelessness. Thus tossed to and fro, seeking rest, and finding none; making ineffectual efforts to gain relief, I went along till brought to see my utter helplessness. At length I thought, I will throw myself at the feet of Divine mercy, and there lie, till help comes from God; but if he refuse, I will die there!

Still my trouble and anguish remained, and despairing thoughts rested heavily on my mind. The Bible, which I frequently read, condemned me, and declared, "Cursed is every one that continueth not in all things which are written in the book of the law to do them;" and "The just shall live by faith," Gal. iii, 10, 11. The law I knew I could not keep; and faith, I knew not what it was. One time, however, reading in Isa. liv, from verse 5, to the end of chap. lv, "Ho! every one that thirsteth, come," &c, I felt a considerable degree of comfort; but it lasted not long. John vi, 37, also afforded some transient gleams of hope, but they were soon gone; for being taught the Calvinistic creed, (I believed in the doctrine of election and reprobation; that a certain number was from all eternity elected to salvation; and let them do what they would, in the day of God's power they would be brought in. Also, that from all eternity a certain number was reprobated to damnation; and let them do what they would, it would avail them nothing; damned they must be, to satisfy divine justice ;) it occurred to my mind, "How do I know that I was given to him? How do I know that I am elected? How do I know that I am not from all eternity reprobated to everlasting destruction?" I was ready to conclude myself one of the reprobates, that could not be saved; then I sunk as in the belly of hell, and sometimes was tempted to put an end to my miserable life; for I concluded, the longer I lived, the worse I grew, and the greater would be my condemnation. I wished for some secluded spot, remote from human society, where I might lament my unhappy state. Yet, even then, while thus severely distressed, to prevent my mates from knowing my condition, I endeavoured to appear cheerful when among them; and sometimes joined with them in their merry meetings, (when accidentally present,) farther than my conscience would approve; for which it lashed me so bitterly, that I

took no comfort day nor night. Then I would call myself a thousand fools for having joined with them, and resolve to mingle with them no more.

Before my conviction I was extremely prone to rudeness, lightness of conversation, and jollity. These were my easily besetting sins. When convinced of the evil of them, I often wished that something might make me leave them off, and bring me to be more sober. It pleased the Lord to send a severe fit of sickness, which reduced me very low. This was rendered the means, in a good degree, of effecting it. I lost my relish for these follies, and also felt more indifferent as to what they might think or say of me. I endeavoured to shun their company; and when among them was quite reserved and sober. They soon noticed it, and began to ridicule me, and call me Separate, &c. My sorrows, however, yet remained with me. Oft have I walked out into the fields alone, to bemoan my hard lot, that I was born for eternal ruin ;* and often wished myself a dog, or a toad, or any thing that had not to give an account to God. Oft have I suddenly stopped, to see if the earth was not opening her mouth to swallow me up; and sometimes durst not stir for fear it would. Sometimes, when taking my food or drink, I durst not attempt to swallow any more, lest it should choke me, and would rise from the table, and go away; and when urged to know what was the matter, would answer, Nothing; I do not want to eat." When I went to bed, I was afraid to go to sleep, lest I should wake in eternity. Like one of old,

* How much she suffered from wrong views of doctrine! Perhaps, none who hold to the same creed she then believed, wholly escape the same distressing, despairing exercises, when awakened and convinced of sin. How extremely well adapted is this error to serve the fell purposes of the grand adversary of God and man! either to bolster up the careless sinner in presumption, or drive the awakened to despair. How infinitely preferable is Truth! Had she then known the Scriptural doctrine of grace, free and full for all; and salvation made truly possible to all, how much distress and anxiety she might have escaped!

I was ready to say, "While I suffer thy terrors I am distracted," and "a wounded spirit who can bear?" It seemed as if all nature frowned upon me.

Sometimes I thought I had sinned against the Holy Ghost. Once the devil tempted me to throw my Bible away, which I did, thinking I would never read it again; and refrained from it nearly a whole day. Then I was filled with blasphemous thoughts, and thought I had not long to live; that I was ripe for ruin, and that there was but a step between me and everlasting burnings. What tongue can express what my poor soul endured that day!

With a faint heart, and trembling hands, towards evening I went to my Bible again; when opening on Isa. liv, 4-11, for a few moments I felt great comfort, and took encouragement, that sometime or other the Lord would have mercy on me. Thought I, "If he will ever have mercy on me, I will thankfully wait for it;" but I was too great a sinner. To such and such an one of my acquaintance I could give these promises, but they were not for me. Thus between hope and despair, through various scenes I lingered along; but all this time endeavouring to conceal, as much as possible, my troubled state of mind.

During this period I was very intimate with a young woman by the name of Elizabeth Smith. We had run merrily together in the ways of the world; but now she was awakened to a sense of her lost condition, and directly after it was seized with a consumption; so that both of us were convicted for sin, but knew not each other's distress of mind. And both of us, when we met, would endeavour to be more cheerful than usual, for fear of exposing the inward feelings of our hearts. But as her distress of body increased, so did that of her mind. This being about Thanksgiving time, (November 25, 1786,) my father went to NewYork, where he took the small-pox, and returning home, the whole family, five in all, took it of him.

This still more alarmed me: I thought it altogether improbable that we should all survive; and I was the one to die. Now I was not afraid to tell my friend what I felt, nor she to tell me; for we both bordered close on eternity, and viewed ourselves as very near the grave! Our interview, however, was short; and I returned home, to mourn over my misery alone. While greatly distressed, these words, "Daughter, be of good comfort, thy faith hath saved thee; go in peace," came to my mind, and afforded me a momentary peace. As for a moment, I was enabled to believe I should get through with the small pox; but it did not last long. Again I was afflicted and tossed as with a tempest. When the disease came on, its appearance was threatening: the eruptions were very numerous, fine, and fiery. Now I thought, "I shall surely die!" My friends also were alarmed about me. Some sent me hymns, and others leaves of the Bible, that I might peruse them. But I was soon past all feeling about either life or death. I cared not which came. My senses were greatly stupified; and I thought but little respecting my state after death. could neither speak so as to be heard across the room, nor turn myself in bed for some weeks. Our neighbours frequently came to the door, and inquired, "Is Abby alive?" To which it was replied, "Yes; just alive." But it made no more impression on me than on a stock or a stone. One young man died in the house; but the Lord in mercy brought us all through, and restored us to health again. My father had it very badly, but said he never experienced so happy a time in his life, except when he was first converted to God. I suppose he would as willingly have put off his mortal body, as his clothes at night to retire to rest. Oft times since have I heard him tell of the happiness he then enjoyed. After we got better, he and I would sing,

I