Wae worth that brandy, burning trash!
Fell source o' monie a pain an' brash!1
Twins' monie a poor, doylt, drunken hash,*
O' half his days;

3

An' sends, beside, auld Scotland's cash
To her warst faes.

Ye Scots wha wish auld Scotland well,
Ye chief, to you my tale I tell,
Poor plackless devils like mysel!
It sets you ill,

Wi' bitter dearthfu' wines to mell,"
Or foreign gill.

May gravels round his blether wrench,
An' gouts torment him inch by inch,
Wha twists his gruntle' wi' a glunch®
O' sour disdain,

Out-owre a glass o' whisky punch
Wi' honest men.

O Whisky! soul o' plays an' pranks!
Accept a Bardie's humble thanks!
When wanting thee, what tuneless cranks
Are my poor verses!

Thou comes!-they rattle i' their ranks
At ither's a-s!

Thee, Ferintosh ! O sadly lost!
Scotland, lament frae coast to coast!
Now colic grips, an' barkin' hoast,1o
May kill us a';

For loyal Forbes's charter'd boast"
Is ta'en awa!

Thae curst horse-leeches o' th' excise,
Wha mak the whisky stells their prize!

1 Sudden illness.-2 Parts, deprives.-3 Stupid.-4 A fellow who knows neither how to act or dress with propriety.-5 Pennyless.—6 To meddle.7 The phiz.-8 A frown; sour look. A very superior kind of whisky made in a district of the Highlands called by that name.-10 Coughing.

11 Lord Forbes, of Ferintosh, in the county of Cromarty, formerly held by charter a right for all his tenantry to distil whisky without paying any duty to the king.

Haud up thy hand, Deil! ance, twice, thrice!
There, seize the blinkers!1

An' bake them up in brunstane pies

3

For poor d-n'd drinkers.

Fortune! if thou 'll but gie me still
Hale breeks, a scone,* an' whisky gill,
An' rowth o' rhyme to rave at will,
Tak a' the rest,

5

An' deal 't about as thy blind skill
Directs thee best.

THE AUTHOR'S EARNEST CRY AND PRAYER

TO THE SCOTCH REPRESENTATIVES IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.

Dearest of distillation! last and best

-How art thou lost !————

Parody on Milton.

YE Irish Lords, ye Knights an' Squires,
Wha represent our brughs an' shires,
An' doucely manage our affairs

In parliament,

To you a simple Poet's prayers

Are humbly sent.

Alas! my roupet' Muse is hearse!

Your Honors' heart wi' grief twad pierce!
To see her sitting on her a-e

Low i' the dust,

An' scriechin' out prosaic verse,

An' like to brust!

Tell them wha hae the chief direction,
Scotland an' me 's in great affliction,
E'er sin' they laid that curst restriction
On Aquavitæ ;

An' rouse them up to strong conviction,
An' move their pity.

* A term of contempt.-2 Brimstone.—3 Whole breeches.—4 A cake; kind of bread.-5 Plenty.

• This was written before the act anent the Scotch distilleries, of Session 1786; for which Scotland and the Author return their most grateful thanks. 7 Hoarse, as with a cold.-8 Hoarse.

Stand forth, an' tell yon Premier youth,
The honest, open, naked truth:

Tell him o'mine an' Scotland's drouth,
His servants humble:

The muckle' Devil blaw ye south,

If ye dissemble!

Does onie great man glunch' an' gloom?
Speak out, an' never fash your thumb!3
Let posts an' pensions sink or soom*

Wi' them wha grant 'em:

If honestly they canna come,

Far better want 'em.

In gathering votes you were na slack;
Now stand as tightly by your tack;
Ne'er claw your lug," an' fidge your back,
An' hum an' haw;

But raise your arm, an' tell your crack
Before them a'.

Paint Scotland greetin" owre her thrissle,"
Her mutchkin stoups as toom's a whissle;?
An' d-mn'd Excisemen in a bussle,

Seizin' a stell,10

Triumphant crushin' 't like a mussel
Or lampit" shell.

Then on the tither hand present her,
A blackguard Smuggler right behint her,
An' cheek-for-chow a chuffie1 Vintner,
Colleaguing join,

Picking her pouch13 as bare as winter
Of a' kind coin.

Is there that bears the name o' Scot,
But feels his heart's bluid rising hot,
To see his poor auld mither's pot

Thus dung in staves,"

An' plunder'd o' her hindmost groat

By gallows knaves?

1 Great.-2 Frown.-3 Don't be afraid, never trouble your head about it. -4 Swim. 5 Ear.-6 Weeping.-7 Thistle, the national emblem.-8 Pint mug.-9 Empty.-10 A still, used for making whisky.-11 Lympet, a shellfish.-12 Fat-faced.-13 Pocket.-14 Knocked to pieces.

Alas! I'm but a nameless wight,
Trode i' the mire an' out o' sight!
But could I like Montgomeries fight,
Or gab1 like Boswell,

There's some sark-necks I wad draw tight,
An' tie some hose well.

God bless your honors, can ye see 't,
The kind, auld, cantie carlin3 greet,1
An' no get warmly to your feet,

An' gar them hear it,

An' tell them wi' a patriot heat,

Ye winna' bear it!

Some o' you nicely ken the laws,
To round the period, an' pause,
An' wi' rhetoric clause on clause

To mak harangues;
Then echo thro' Saint Stephen's wa's
Auld Scotland's wrangs.

8

Dempster, a true-blue Scot I'se warran;
Thee, aith-detesting, chaste Kilkerran ;1
An' that glib-gabbet" Highland baron,
The laird o' Graham;
An' ane, a chap that's d-mn'd auldfarran,13
Dundas his name.

Erskine, a spunkie Norland billie;
True Campbells, Frederick, an' Ilay;
An' Livingstone, the bauld Sir Willie;
An' monie ithers,

Whom auld Demosthenes or Tully

12

Might own for brithers.

Thee, sodger Hugh," my watchman stented,
If bardies e'er are represented;

1 To speak boldly.—2 Shirt-collars.—3 Old lady.—4 Weep.-5 Not.—6 Make. -7 Will not.

8 George Dempster, Esq., of Dunnichen, Forfarshire. He was many years M. P. for the Dundee district of boroughs, and always spoke and voted on the liberal side of politics.

9 An oath.-19 Sir Adam Ferguson.-11 That speaks smoothly and readily. -12 The Duke of Montrose.-13 Sagacious, cunning.-14 Earl of Eglintoun, then Colonel Montgomery, and representative for Ayrshire.

I ken if that your sword were wanted,
Ye'd lend your hand,

But when there's aught to say anent it,
Ye're at a stand.

Arouse, my boys! exert your mettle,
To get auld Scotland back her kettle';1
Or, faith! I'll wad' my new pleugh-pettle,'
Ye'll see 't or lang,"

4

She'll teach you wi' a reekin' whittle,"
Anither sang.

This while she's been in crankous mood,
Her lost Militia' fired her bluid;
(Deil na they never mair do guid,

Play'd her that pliskie!)

An' now she's like to rin red-wud,"
About her whisky.

An' L-d! if ance they pit her till 't,10
Her tartan petticoat she 'll kilt,"
An' dirk an' pistol at her belt,

She'll tak the streets,

An' rin her whittle to the hilt,

I' the first she meets.

For G-d's sake, Sirs! then speak her fair,
An' straik her cannie" wi' the hair,

13

An' to the muckle House13 repair,

Wi' instant speed,

An' strive, wi' a' your wit an' lear,14
To get remead.15

Yon ill-tongued tinkler, Charlie Fox,
May taunt you wi' his jeers an' mocks;
But gie him 't het,16 my hearty cocks!
E'en cowe the caddie;"

An' send him to his dicing box

An' sporting lady.

1 Her still.-2 To bet or wager.-3 Plough-staff.-4 Ere long.- A bloody sword.-6 Fretful.

7 Burlesque allusion to the bill for a Scotch militia, which was, shortly before that time, negatived in Parliament.

8 A trick. Run stark mad.-10 Put her to it.-11 To truss up the clothes. -12 Stroke her gently.-13 The parliament house.-14 Learning.-15 Remedy. -16 Hot.-17 Frighten the fellow, make him knock under.