vork; I dink you get soon some monish, an it pe all A WELL-KNOWN clergyman sends to the Drawer an anecdote of Dr. Bethune: Several years ago, according to invitation, the late Rev. Dr. Bethune delivered an address before one of the societies at the anniversary of the Theological Seminary at Andover. It was my fortune to light him up to bed that night at my father's house. Taking his bulky manuscript, written only upon one side, out his pocket, he laid it upon the bureau with a sigh. "Ah, poor thing!" said he, as he turned over the leaves, "my pen ran on till it was too long, and there are several things that I was obliged to omit that I would have liked to read. Ah! here is one that in my hurry I overlooked," pointing to a page written in his clear hand, and reading aloud from it a most humorous description of the condition of the modern minister, "going around from place to place, like Diogenes with his tub, not unlike which many of our modern pulpits are constructed!" ed on camp-guard for the first time. Rebel cavalry "Fire on the pickets! fire on the pickets!" Sup In a twinkling every man was in line, ready for the expected foe. But when the cause of the alarm was explained, the yells and shouts that greeted our new soldier can only be understood by those who have heard a battalion of veterans cheer. ANOTHER of our new recruits being notified by the Sergeant of his Company that he was detailed for "fatigue duty," very innocently replied, that he couldn't go, as he was writing a letter! I RECOLLECT when a boy attending a celebration of the anniversary of the Battle of Bennington, on the old battle-ground, and a Hoosic Dutchman offered a toast that seems peculiarly appropriate to the present time. It was this: "Domestic traitors; may da hang by de edge of de moon wid dare fingers greased!" DEAR DRAWER,-This revenue business brings out the human hugely. The incomes are beginning to come in, and I send you a specimen brick : "My profets to the Bes of my noleg From one doller to to dollers pur day Thet is oneday with the other. Rent to Pay By th Mont 19 dollers i hef to Pay now And les THE same reverend correspondent adds a speci- yer i pad 16 dollers pur mont" men of an incorrigible joker: I HEARD, years ago, the late Rev. James B. Finley, of Ohio-the Old Chief, as we called him-relate the following: A short time ago there was a young man boarding for a while in our county jail, who found his unoccupied time hanging too heavily on his hands, and was constantly on the alert to improve it by prac- He was a wild boy, and took a full part in all the tical jokes upon his fellow-boarders, or upon outside fun, frolic, and "devilment" which was so promiluckless travelers. One very rainy Sunday, in mid-nent a feature of our Western life in its earlier days. winter, he spied a gentleman driving by in a buggy, well cloaked up, with an umbrella over him, and instantly shouted vociferously to him from the jail window that "something was the matter with his wheel!" The gentleman stopped, got out, and went all around his buggy, looking for the trouble in vain, and said that he "didn't see any thing the matter with his wheel." "Oh, I thought there was," was the gracious reply; "it kept going around!" ONE of our faithful army chaplains writes to the Drawer: Not long ago one of our sergeants was recruiting for the Corps d'Afrique, and brought a squad of fine-looking fellows to the Adjutant to have them sworn into the service. As their names, etc., were being entered on the enlistment-roll, one, on being asked where he was born, replied that he did not know; at which a comrade reminded him, quite confidently, that he was born in Arkansas. The Adjutant at once proposed to so enter it on the roll. "Well, I doesn't know, Sah. De fac is, Sah," scratching his head in apologetic perplexity, "I's so young den dat I disremember!" There was a practice in vogue in those days of parties stealing into melon-patches at night, eating the luscious fruit to their utmost capacity, and then making a general smash-up of the balance. This was certainly rather rough and malicious fun; but as few except "close-fisted" farmers were visited, who were stingy of melons, the practice was rather popular than otherwise. There was a German in the neighborhood who had received some slight from one of his nearest neighbors, and meditated revenge. One day, in the melon-season, he came to young Finley and proposed that they should have a good time in a melon-patch that night. The matter was soon arranged, the time and place of rendezvous appointed. The night was dark, and proved chilly for the season, and when the Dutchman appeared he brought a bottle of applebrandy-or apple-jack, as it was generally calledof which he had already imbibed freely. Long before daylight the parties returned to their homes, the Dutchman elated and chuckling over the consternation with which his neighbor would be filled in the morning. Finley, however, was in more than usually pleasant mood, and certainly had no compunctions of conscience for the part he had in I AM indebted to the Captain of H Company for the "trick." He was at work near the house in the the following two: afternoon when he saw his Teutonic friend approachOne of our new recruits was a few days ago post-ing, with a countenance in which sorrow and an Bill ger were about equally combined. Finley started | think sure enough Bill had thrashed Josh. to meet him, saluting him, was brought before the Squire and pleaded guilty, "How are you, Jonny? Didn't we have a big whereupon the Squire fined him ten dollars and costs, time last night?" "Oh! Shim (Jim), dem was mine own melons dat we proke last night! What fool we is!" burst out the agonizing Dutchman. Finley consoled him as best he could; and his friend never suspected that the sad mistake was only the trick of a sober rogue played off on a drunken one. THIS comes from Chester County, in the Keystone State: It is a common system of cultivating land in some parts of the country for the owner to take from the tenant one-half the crop in kind for his rent-called, in our old-fashioned neighborhood, "farming on the shears." Captain A- had a nice lot near the county town, and Davy R, who passed among people who never tried to drive a bargain with him as a little "daft," proposed to the Captain to raise a crop of potatoes from it on the shares, the Captain furnishing the potatoes to be planted. The bargain was made; Davy put in the crop and worked it faithfully; but it was a light one, the season having been an unfavorable one that year in our region. About gathering time the Captain was busy with other things and forgot the potatoes, until one day passing his lot he discovered that they had all been removed. Still he waited on Davy for some word or message about the potatoes; but neither came. At last, concluding that it was time he had the matter adjusted, he sought Davy, and finding him, the following colloquy ensued: CAPTAIN. "Well, Davy, I see you've gathered the potatoes." DAVY. "Ya-as, I've got 'em in." CAPTAIN." When shall I send for my half?" DAVY. "Wa'al, Cap'n-no 'casion to send-there was but half a crop." The Captain saw the point, and uttered no complaints; but Davy never planted for the Captain again "on the shears." which he paid without hesitation, evidently flattering himself that he had bought fame at a bargain. As Bill left the Squire's office Josh accosted him with, "Well, Bill, you have just paid ten dollars for thrashing me in my absence, and now I am going to see what they charge for flailing a lying puppy when he is present." Bill took the hint and began to make excuses, but Josh cut him short by a smart rap below the eye, followed by two or three others that brought him to the pavement. Bill Stiles staid thereabout two years afterward, and, although he went by the name of "Fighting Bill," he was never afterward known to brag of his exploits in that line of business; in fact Bill was never quarrelsome, and it is believed that the only fight he ever had was the one in which Josh Gibson struck the first blow. THE sheriff of County, California, writes to the Drawer, and tells this of his own knowledge: A few years ago, when Judge Goodman administered the law to the honest miners of Gibsonville, it happened on a certain day when a case was being tried that one Myers, a Dutchman, appeared in Court and demanded an attachment "for to ketch" one Causper, a fellow-countryman, on the charge of assault "mit a putcher-knife" and threatening to kill the plaintiff. The Judge made out the necessary affidavit, issued a warrant, and sent an officer in pursuit of C., who in due time was arrested and taken into Court, just as the jury in the first case was about to retire to the jury-room for deliberation. Causper, who knew nothing of the other case, became alarmed, supposing from the appearance of things that his case was on trial, and addressed the Court: "Mishter Goort, Mishter Schquire, I like to shtop mit dish dings. I wants un lawyer; I like to zettle mit Myer." "Very well," said the Court, "you can get a lawTHE following occurred in Iowa, and is truly re- yer as soon as this jury retires; there are two of corded for the Drawer. them here." Josh Gibson is a powerful man, and, though he is civil, he is proud of his reputation as the "best man in the county." Bill Stiles is a notorious braggart, and is always telling of his having drubbed this or that individual, naming some one who is proverbially large, stout, brave, or active. One day Bill was at the hotel when the conversation turned on his favorite topic. "You all know Josh Gibson," says Bill. "Yes," was answered by three or four at once. "Well, I met Josh last Saturday, and he refused to give half the road. I got out and took him off his wagon and mauled him till he begged for mercy." One of the listeners was a particular friend of Josh, who, on his return, told Josh what Bill said. Josh, on hearing the news, pondered a minute, then said, "Did he own to it, though? and will you go before Squire Broadhead and swear that he said so?" "Yes." "Well," says Josh, "you go to the Squire's and make the affidavit and get a warrant for Bill Stiles for assault and battery, and I'll show him how to abuse people on the highway." The friend did as Josh told him, and began to "Mine Got!" said Causper, "dosh Myer have two?" Myer stepped forward and declared that he had not yet employed one, upon hearing which Causper proposed that they each employ "un lawyer to zettle mit the Schquire," which was accordingly done. The two limbs of the law withdrew to a corner "to settle," and decided that each party pay his own attorney's fees, and that plaintiff withdraw the suit on payment of costs by defendant. To this the defendant agreed, and stated to the Court that he was "glat dish dings pe zettle," for, said he, "fen Myer not run so fasht I gills him sure; but I dose not so any more agin." Then turning to Myers he asked for the loan of $10, "to pay the Schquire," which sum was advanced by the plaintiff, and both left Court and directed their steps to a lager beer shop. A LADY in Missouri writes to the Drawer and tells a good story that she knows to be true. The following shows that Jeff Davis's negroes were taught to pronounce chairs "cheers." During the siege of Vicksburg some of the Sixth Missouri cavalry visited the former residence of "President Davis," and found the blacks all very much alarmed at the near approach of General Grant, whom they and fifty years." The Reverend Doctor enjoyed it believed would immediately devour them. The greatly, and took another tack. frightened creatures asked numberless questions of the boys as to what they should do to appease him if he should visit them. The boys told them the General was not very frightful, and if they would assemble in the yard on his approach and give him three cheers they would be safe. They were very much amused on returning to find the darkeys had nicely swept a place under the trees in the yard and had set out three of the best chairs the mansion afforded. MR. WHITE is the most diffident of young men. He belongs to our "Literary Circle," where the ladies and gentlemen entertain themselves with flashes of genius, sometimes at the expense of each other. But one of the brightest of our fair friends has rescued Mr. White from his retirement by having the following "original" read at our last meeting: "The rainbow shows a varied hue, Of yellow, crimson, green, and blue; DEAR DRAWER,-I have been a reader, but not a contributor. If the following waifs are worthy of a more enduring record, please make a note of them. A few days since, while passing over the Brooklyn Fulton Ferry, two young men were admiring the beautiful iron ferry-house recently constructed. One said to the other: "I do not see the policy of building an iron house upon wooden piles." COLONEL TODD, of Egremont, Berkshire County, Massachusetts, in years gone by, run a cider-mill and distillery for making cider and cider brandy. Mr. Burton, a man of property and good standing who was not above doing his own work, and who lived in Hillsdale, Columbia County, New York, the adjoining town, was known by reputation, but not personally, to Colonel Todd. One day he brought a load of apples to the mill. Mr. Burton was dressed rather shabbily, as was his wont, and the Colonel mistook him for one of his hired men, and inquired, "Whose apples are those?" The reply was, "They belong to old Burton." "Well, you go home and tell old Burton you will not work for him any longer if he don't clothe you better." LITTLE Nannie is a close student of the Bible, but not very clear as to some points. "Ma," said she one Sunday evening, after having sat like a "good child" all day in the house, "have I honored you to-day?" "I do not know, Nannie; why do you ask?" said her mother. "Because," said little Nan, shaking her curls sadly, "the Bible says, 'Honor thy father and thy mother that thy days may be long;' and this has been, oh, the longest day I ever saw!" GERMANTOWN is close by the city of Philadel "Oh," said his companion, "there is no policy on phia, whence we have this: it; you see it is fire-proof." Our little "five-year-old," a few days since, made an observation which we consider quite "good enough for Harper's." She had been attending Sunday-school during the day, and seemed for a AGAIN, a young legal friend of mine, in company with "One" of the Herald, went up to the Harlem dépôt to see the arrival of the members of the Leg-long time much exercised in mind. Finally, she islature, who had probably some of them been "seen" before. The Herald man, with seeming surprise, exclaimed, "What a lot of dead-heads!"--say about one hundred. "Yes," replied my legal friend, "as Harlem passes the Legislature, I think the Legislature ought to pass the Harlem." went to her mother and asked, "Mamma, do you believe that Methuselah lived to be nine hundred and sixty-nine years old ?" "Certainly, my dear," was the reply, "for the Bible tells us so.' "This did not appear to relieve her; for after a while she asked her brother, "Harry, do you believe Methuselah lived to be nine hundred and sixty-nine years old?" AND yet again. Our same legal friend, on his "Of course," said Harry, "for we read it in the Biway down town (having read, probably, Harper's ble." Still she was not satisfied; so, on going to Weekly, wherein it is proven that two and two do bed, she asked her nurse the same question, and not always make 4, to wit, when they are twenty-on receiving the same reply, she burst out, "Well, two, with the ready genius of his ancestry, thought I don't; I just believe it's some more of that Gerhe could prove that two-fourths were greater than mantown gossip!" two-thirds. Meeting a young, littérateur vending the Express, he asked for two copies of the fourth edition. The youth had not the fourth, but offered the third. "No," says our friend, "I am sure two fourths contain more than two thirds." A CORRESPONDENT in Trenton, New Jersey, says: Rev. Dr. H, while making an address to the urchins at the Children's Home in this city, asked them, "How old was Methuselah?" No one was able to tell; so he informed them that Methuselah was nine hundred and sixty-nine years old; and then, to impress upon their minds the length of this period, asked them, "How old do you suppose I am ?" Dead silence ensued for a space of a minute, when a bright-eyed little fellow sang out, "About one hundred and fifty years;" and the rest, agreeing with the first, all sang out, "About one hundred AN Officer in the Army, now at New Orleans, writes to the Drawer, and says: The incident from North Carolina, in the September number of the Magazine, reminds me of a like occurrence that happened at Cumberland Gap in the summer of '62. A great number of refugees would come into our lines from East Tennessee, and they were being rapidly organized into regiments, both of infantry and cavalry, for service in the Union army. One sultry afternoon in July an infantry captain belonging to one of the Tennessee regiments was drilling his company. He had his men in two ranks, and wished to change them from that into four ranks. Either not knowing, or forgetting the usual command, he called out, much to the amusement of the by-standers, "Company, from two strings to four strings—git!" THIS comes from Salt Lake City, Utah Territory: During a fight with the Indians at Provo, in the fall of 1859, a Dutchman named Jacob Hoffhines was captain of a squad of artillery who were industriously, though harmlessly, working an old smoothbore 12-pounder. The gun was quickly got into position, and a few rounds of canister sent in among the willows, where the Red Skins were supposed to be lurking. Failing, however, to "draw the enemy's fire," Jacob, with great pomposity, gave the following very lucid command: "Sergeant, helevate that gun a little lower, so as to rake the vickeups." A FRIEND in the army writes: In looking over Harper for September, 1856, I saw the picture of "Uncle Alic" in Porte Crayon's "Dismal Swamp." Whether it is a good likeness or not the following will show. I was stationed at Suffolk, Virginia, in November, 1862, and heard Uncle Alic was still alive. Once, being field-officer of the day, I had in my grand rounds to visit the picket stationed on the railroad a short distance beyond Alic's hut. I stopped to see the old darkey. He came out on being called, in his shirt-sleeves and a very ragged pair of pantaloons. It was Sunday, and after a little conversation he commenced to expound the Scriptures (I suppose he thought we needed a sermon). With some difficulty I got him to stop long enough to ask him if he remembered the visit of Porte Crayon (now Colonel S-). He said: "Yes, massa, I do dat. One day I was sitting down dare reading my Bible, and Massa S [Porte Crayon], Massa Riddick, and some more ob dem come long dis way and sing out, 'Come up here, you old rascal!' I supposed dey must mean me, so I come out. Massa S he tell me to stand in front of him. I do so. 'Now sit down.' I sit down. 'Now stand dis way.' 'Now stand dat way.' I do so just as he tell me. He keep scribble scribble all de time; and bime-by he get off de log and give me de paper and tell me look at it, and Lor bress your soul, massa, I thought he had done gone stolen dis nigger!" AN old reader of the Drawer sends the following fact: A short time ago Mr. Dg and I were on SEVERAL years ago, writes a clever friend, the good people of Schenectady elected old Squire D to the Legislature. During the winter the bill for the enlargement of the Erie Canal was discussed thoroughly, and the member from Schenectady was bitterly opposed to it, for he thought his taxes would be increased, and that was enough to make him oppose it. On the day the bill was up for a third reading Squire D- jumped up and cried out, "Mr. Speaker, there is no use of passing this bill, for it is utterly impossible to widen this canal, for Charlie Voorhies's store stands right on the bank!" FLATTERING PROSPECT. COUSIN TOM.-"Yes, I see; kind o' used up in the city, and want to pick up a bit. Wa'al, just stay here three months, live on good country fare as we do, an' go to bed early, and you'll go back looking jess like me!" COUSIN FRED. "Good gracious! Will I?" VOL. XXIX.-No. 169.-I* HARD INDEED. GOVERNOR.-"Theodore, how do they sound the g in Lager-soft, as in Gin!" MR. DOBBS, who is rather near-sighted, and very deaf, discovers a new formation on his favorite rocks, near Wee hawken. (N.B.-The Target Company, after having imbibed, for the fifth time, are ready to commence firing again. Perhaps they will see MR. DOBBS.) |