- Όυς μη κηρες εβαν θανατοιο φερουσαν, Χθιζα τε και πρωιζ;

that all those heroes and counsellors of state, whose eyelids the hand of death hath not sealed in the slumbers of the tomb, are now hidden in the shades of retirement and obscurity,all your doubts on this point, will for ever cease.

The experience of all recorded time prove that God and Nature have decreed it as an eternal, and an uncontrovertible truth, that no society of human beings, no regular, and stable government can possibly exist without subordination; that is, without two orders of men,-one to command, and the other to obey.But block-heads are everlastingly barred, from the very constitution of their nature, from the capability of commanding; they must, therefore, in every well-regulated community, obey. Hence, in all ages, and in all climes, hath there been produced a very large body of these respectable personages, for the purpose of fulfilling that very necessary duty in all wisely governed nations, called obedience.

But the Jacobins, by their superior dulness and ignorance, have discovered a way of counteracting all these direct tendencies of human nature, by a very notable invention, called self-government; that is, a state of darkness, misery, and weakness, in which every block-head doth that, which seemeth good in his own eyes, without the fear of being controuled by any political wisdom, or any moral efficiency in those, who are, vulgarly, but erroneously, supposed to be the rulers of the state.

And, indeed, this state of things is strongly hinted at, in a certain book, which the Jacobins never read, and, consequently, know to be not worth reading;-the passage to which I allude is this:

"And I will give children to be their princes, and babes shall rule over them. And the people shall be oppressed, every one by another, and every one by his neighbour: the child shall behave himself proudly against the ancient, and the base against the honourable."

N. B. By children and babes is meant persons without understanding, or, if you like it better in plain English,Block-heads.

The great utility of block-heads, therefore, in all matters relating to government, is now fully proved. Q. E. D.

Secondly; the utility of these gentlemen, in private life, is to be demonstrated. There can be no doubt, that social comforts are increased, if not absolutely created by blockheads; for no block-head can ever endure the being alone for five minutes; consequently, the block-heads are gregarious animals, and always to be found in herds ;-they gather together in large bodies, look stupid at each other, say nothing, and part, with very solid reflections upon their own happiness, and their own importance.

Men of intellect, only, can endure solitude, which is the soil that all the virtues love; whence the old, and well-known adage, of-Sapièns, nunquam, minus solus, quam cum solus.

Again,-block-heads are of considerable service to the community, by encouraging the progress of agriculture ;for they are universally known to be great consumers of beef and pudding;-so much so, that some philosophers, after much and deep cogitation on the subject, have concluded, that block-heads are not capable of carrying any thing, except beef and pudding, out of a room, and therefore, that no conversation, less substantial and material than food and drink, should ever be offered to them; because all waste is a sin.

Block-heads are, also, of use, in perpetuating their own breed. For phisiologists have long since demonstrated, that Horace was philosophically correct, when he said,

Fortes creantur fortibus, et bonis ;
Est in juvencis, est in equis patrum
Virtus; nec imbellem feroces

Progenerant aquila columbam.

I am, myself, a very devout believer in breeds; and am thoroughly convinced that dulness never propagates intellect; indeed, intellect is often marred by an unseemly union with its opposite; as Cicero contrived by mating himself with a foolish woman to produce a son, who was very far from being a Solomon.

Let the breeds, therefore, be always, in future, kept distinct;-let fools intermarry with fools, and let the wise unite

themselves to the children of wisdom, in order that the great practical scheme of human life might be carried on properly and effectually ;-that all the wheels of government and of social order might roll round without let or molestation ;that intellect and virtue might watch over, and direct the great interests of humanity, and that the offspring of dulness might fill up all the coarser and subordinate departments of the machine of life;-might be either hewers of wood or drawers of water;—or gatherers together of masses of pelf, by being the quiet, plodding drudges in those mechanical employments, which require neither comprehensive calculation, nor decisive energy of execution.

It might not be amiss to give one or two general rules how to treat Block-heads in our ordinary intercourse with them. In the first place, never banter a Block-head; because his power of association is so very slow and feeble, that he is never capable of understanding the flashes of wit and humour; and, as all weak animals are suspicious, the blockhead regularly interprets every burst of laughter and of merriment, which he does not understand, to be levelled at himself.—I am sure, says that miserable ignoramus Scrub, in the Beaux Stratagem,—that they were talking of me, for they laughed consumedly.

Besides, a block-head generally misrepresents the words and actions of intelligent men; hence, your downright fools always impute evil to the effusions of innocent gaiety and wit, even if they do not conceive them to be pointed at themselves ;—whence the necessity of very small and very sober discourse with these beings, such as relates to the weather,— either that it is hot or cold, wet or dry;-the births, and marriages, and deaths of their neighbours, or their servants; or lastly, as the Zero, in the scale of insignificance,—such discourse as relates to themselves, ie. whether or not they have eaten and drank and stuffed their carcases more to-day than they did yesterday;-whether or not they have lately quarrelled with their wives;-or what opinion they entertain of the politics of the country ;—and much other matter of equal importance to the interests of wisdom and of virtue.

The celebrated Dr. S. Clarke was, one morning, in high glee with two or three literary friends;-and their frequent flashes of wit and genius produced repeated bursts of laughter ;—when, all of a sudden, Clarke looking out at the window, and seeing the Bishop of waddling up the steps in front of the house, for the purpose of calling on the great antagonist of Leibnitz, said,-My friends, let us cease our merriment, we must be grave, for here comes a fool.

But, thirdly-by far the most useful species of all this numerous fraternity, is that of the writing block-heads;—generally, known by the appellation of foolish authors; who labour under that miserable malady called cacoethes scribendi, or an itch for scribbling. These worthy gentlemen, by the labours, (not of their brain, for brains they have none)—of their pens and fingers, call into actual employment many paper-makers, printers, venders of books, &c.—and also, render great service to the old women in the markets, who sell butter and eggs; since the printed effusions of dulness always find their way into

"Vicum vendentem thus et odores,

Et piper, et quicquid chartis amicitur ineptis." That is," These foolish papers, fluttering in a row, Befringe the rails of Bedlam or Soho."

Again, Block-heads are of very material service, in performing the office of a whet-stone, whose peculiar quality it is, not itself, to cut, but to sharpen steel; or if you like the definition of a whetstone, given by Horace, better, you shall have it in the words of the courtly Satyrist, who, when speaking of himself, says,

"fungar vice cotis, acutum

Reddere que ferrum valet,—exsors ipsa secandi.”

So the block-head, though free from the imputation of any wit in himself, serves as a whet-stone, on which the razor of another's wit is sharpened.—In a word, a block-head makes a very good butt, and not the worse for being empty.-How could Pope have written his Dunciad, had there been no dunces to furnish the materials for that inimitable satire ;-any more than there could be wigs if there were not blocks, on which to hang them?

Neither are we, in New-York, at this moment, less favoured with an abundance of matter for a Dunciad, than was Mr. Pope himself, at the period, in which he lived. Out of the great number of block-heads, which are swarming about, in all directions, there are three, who, from their superior boobyism, xxr' ox, by way of eminence, demand notice. This notable trio stand thus in the scale of intellectual degradation;-first and foremost, Mr. Barnard Blunderbuss,-secondly, Mr. Francis Flim-flam,—and thirdly, Mr. Timothy Turnspit. As I wish to avoid all personal allusions, I shall content myself with saying, that the greatest hero of this triumvirate, might be worshipped, without idolatry; for he is like nothing either in the heavens above, or in the earth beneath, or in the waters under the earth.-Nought but himself can be his parallel. He always reminds me of a very sagacious inscription, which I once saw, over the menagerie, at Exeter Change, in London. On a piece of canvass was daubed the resemblance of a male elephant, under whose feet were inscribed these words;-This is the largest elephant in the world, except himself.

As for the others, I say nothing about their bodies, because I hold that they are not fair game;—a block-head does not make his own carcase, and therefore, his carcase should be suffered to perish in silence, and without notice: but the moment that a man turns author, he is quatenus author, liable to all the attacks, which genius, wit and learning, shall choose to make upon him. Indeed, if it were not so, the world would be in a much worse condition than it is;-because stupidity, not being indictable, as a nuisance, in the courts of law, would fairly bury the community under the rubbish of its productions, were it not checked, and occasionally, either strangled in the birth, or scourged out of existence, by the unbending justice of sound criticism.

It is a maxim of the common law, that no man shall be allowed to stultify himself, under any pretence whatsoever ;— now, these worthy gentlemen, Messrs. Turnspit, Flim-flam, and Blunderbuss, not having the fear of the Attorney General before their eyes, do absolutely act in open defiance of this