OLIV. Dear sir, I wish you'd be convinced, that I can never be happy in any addition to my fortune which is taken from his. CRO. Well, well, it's a good child, so say no more, but come with me, and we shall see something that will give us a great deal of pleasure, I promise you; old Ruggins, the curry-comb maker, lying in state; I am told he makes a very handsome corpse, and becomes his coffin prodigiously. He was an intimate friend of mine, and these are friendly things we ought to do for each other.

End of the First Act.

[Exeunt.

ACT THE SECOND

SCENE-CROAKER'S House

MISS RICHLAND, GARNET

MISS RICH. Olivia not his sister? Olivia not Leontine's sister? You amaze me!

GAR. No more his sister than I am; I had it all from his own servant; I can get anything from that quarter.

MISS RICH. But how? Tell me again, Garnet.

ΙΟ

GAR. Why, madam, as I told you before, instead of going to Lyons to bring home his sister, who has been there with her aunt these ten years, he never went further than Paris; there he saw and fell in love with this young lady;-by the bye, of a prodigious family. MISS RICH. And brought her home to my guardian, as his daughter? GAR. Yes, and daughter she will be. If he don't consent to their marriage, they talk of trying what a Scotch parson can do. MISS RICH. Well, I own they have deceived me— e-And so demurely as Olivia carried it, too!-Would you believe it, Garnet, I told her all my secrets; and yet the sly cheat concealed all this from me? GAR. And, upon my word, madam, I don't much blame her; she was loath to trust one with her secrets, that was so very bad at keeping her own.

20

MISS RICH. But, to add to their deceit, the young gentleman, it seems, pretends to make me serious proposals. My guardian and he are to be here presently, to open the affair in form. You know I am to lose half my fortune if I refuse him. GAR. Yet, what can you do? For being, as you are, in love with Mr. Honeywood, madam

MISS RICH. How! idiot! what do you mean? In love with Mr. Honeywood! Is this to provoke me?

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GAR. That is, madam, in friendship with him; I meant nothing more than friendship, as I hope to be married; nothing more. MISS RICH. Well, no more of this. As to my guardian, and his son, they shall find me prepared to receive them; I'm resolved to accept their proposal with seeming pleasure, to mortify them by compliance, and so throw the refusal at last upon them. GAR. Delicious! and that will secure your whole fortune to yourself. Well, who could have thought so innocent a face could cover so much cuteness!

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MISS RICH. Why, girl, I only oppose my prudence to their cunning, and practise a lesson they have taught me against themselves.

GAR. Then you're likely not long to want employment, for here they come, and in close conference.

Enter CROAKER, LEONTINE

LEON. Excuse me, sir, if I seem to hesitate upon the point of putting the lady so important a question.

CRO. Lord! good sir, moderate your fears; you 're so plaguy shy, that one would think you had changed sexes. I tell you we must have the half or the whole. Come, let me see with what spirit you begin. Well, why don't you? Eh! what? Well then I must, it seems- -Miss Richland, my dear, I believe you guess at our business; an affair which my son here comes to open, that nearly concerns your happiness.

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MISS RICH. Sir, I should be ungrateful not to be pleased with anything that comes recommended by you.

CRO. How, boy, could you desire a finer opening? Why don't you begin, I say? [TO LEONTINE. LEON. 'Tis true, madam, my father, madam, has some intentions -hem-of explaining an affair—which—himself-can best explain, madam.

CRO. Yes, my dear; it comes entirely from my son; it's all a request of his own, madam. And I will permit him to make

61

the best of it. LEON. The whole affair is only this, madam; my father has a proposal to make, which he insists none but himself shall deliver. CRO. My mind misgives me, the fellow will never be brought on. [Aside.] In short, madam, you see before you one that loves you; one whose whole happiness is all in you.

Miss RICH. I never had any doubts of your regard, sir, and I hope you can have none of my duty. CRO. That's not the thing, my little sweeting, my love! No, no, another-guess lover than I; there he stands, madam, his very looks declare the force of his passion.-Call up a look, you dog!But then, had you seen him, as I have, weeping, speaking solilo

quies and blank verse, sometimes melancholy, and sometimes absent

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MISS RICH. I fear, sir, he's absent now; or such a declaration would have come most properly from himself.

CRO. Himself! Madam, he would die before he could make such a confession; and if he had not a channel for his passion through me, it would ere now have drowned his understanding. MISS RICH. I must grant, sir, there are attractions in modest diffidence, above the force of words. A silent address is the genuine eloquence of sincerity.

CRO. Madam, he has forgot to speak any other language; silence is become his mother-tongue.

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MISS RICH. And it must be confessed, sir, it speaks very powerfully in his favour. And yet I shall be thought too forward in making such a confession; shan't I, Mr. Leontine ? LEON. Confusion! my reserve will undo me. But, if modesty attracts her, impudence may disgust her. I'll try. [Aside.] Don't imagine from my silence, madam, that I want a due sense of the honour and happiness intended me. My father, madam, tells me, your humble servant is not totally indifferent to you. He admires you; I adore you; and when we come together, upon my soul I believe we shall be the happiest couple in all St. James's.

95

MISS RICH. If I could flatter myself you thought as you speak,

sir

LEON. Doubt my sincerity, madam? By your dear self I swear. Ask the brave if they desire glory; ask cowards if they covet safety

CRO. Well, well, no more questions about it.

LEON. Ask the sick if they long for health, ask misers if they love money, ask

CRO. Ask a fool if he can talk nonsense! What's come over the boy? What signifies asking, when there's not a soul to give you an answer? If you would ask to the purpose, ask this lady's consent to make you happy.

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MISS RICH. Why indeed, sir, his uncommon ardour almost compels me, forces me, to comply. And yet I'm afraid he'll despise a conquest gained with too niuch ease; won't you, Mr. Leontine ? LEON. Confusion! [Aside.] O, by no means, madam, by no means. And yet, madam, you talked of force. There is nothing I would avoid so much as compulsion in a thing of this kind. No, madam, I will still be generous, and leave you at liberty to refuse.

CRO. But I tell you, sir, the lady is not at liberty. It's a match. You see she says nothing. Silence gives consent,

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LEON. But, sir, she talked of force. Consider, sir, the cruelty of constraining her inclinations.

CRO. But I say there's no cruelty. Don't you know, blockhead, that girls have always a roundabout way of saying yes before company? So get you both gone together into the next room, and hang him that interrupts the tender explanation. Get you gone, I say; I'll not hear a word.

LEON. But, sir, I must beg leave to insist

CRO. Get off, you puppy, or I'll beg leave to insist upon knocking you down. Stupid whelp! But I don't wonder: the boy takes entirely after his mother. [Exeunt MISS RICH. and LEON.

Enter MRS. CROAKER

MRS. CRO. Mr. Croaker, I bring you something, my dear, that I believe will make you smile.

CRO. I'll hold you a guinea of that, my dear.

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MRS. CRO. A letter; and, as I knew the hand, I ventured to open it.

CRO. And how can you expect your breaking open my letters should give me pleasure?

MRS. CRO. POO! it's from your sister at Lyons, and contains good news: read it.

CRO. What a Frenchified cover is here! That sister of mine has some good qualities, but I could never teach her to fold a letter. MRS. CRO. Fold a fiddlestick! Read what it contains.

CROAKER [reading]

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'DEAR NICK,-An English gentleman, of large fortune, has for some time made private, though honourable proposals to your daughter Olivia. They love each other tenderly, and I find she has consented, without letting any of the family know, to crown his addresses. As such good offers don't come every day, your own good sense, his large fortune, and family considerations, will induce you to forgive her. Yours ever, 'RACHAEL CROAKER.'

My daughter, Olivia, privately contracted to a man of large fortune! This is good news, indeed! My heart never foretold me of this. And yet, how slily the little baggage has carried it since she came home. Not a word on 't to the old ones for the world. Yet, I thought I saw something she wanted to conceal. MRS. CRO. Well, if they have concealed their amour, they shan't conceal their wedding; that shall be public I'm resolved. CRO. I tell thee, woman, the wedding is the most foolish part of the ceremony. I can never get this woman to think of the

most serious part of the nuptial engagement.

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MRS. CRO. What would you have me think of?—their funerai? But come, tell me, my dear, don't you owe more to me than you

care to confess? Would you have ever been known to Mr. Lofty, who has undertaken Miss Richland's claim at the Treasury, but for me? Who was it first made him an acquaintance at Lady Shabbaroon's rout? Who got him to promise us his interest? Is not he a backstairs favourite, one that can do what he pleases with those that do what they please? Isn't he an acquaintance that all your groaning and lamentation could never have got us?

169

CRO. He is a man of importance, I grant you. And yet, what amazes me is that, while he is giving away places to all the world, he can't get one for himself.

MRS. CRO. That perhaps may be owing to his nicety. Great men are not easily satisfied.

Enter French Servant

SER. An expresse from Monsieur Lofty. He vil be vait upon your honours instammant. He be only giving four five instruction, read two three memorial, call upon von ambassadeur. He vil be vid you in one tree minutes. 178 MRS. CRO. You see now, my dear. What an extensive department! Well, friend, let your master know, that we extremely honoured by this honour. Was there anything ever in a higher style of breeding? All messages among the great are now done by express.

are

CRO. To be sure, no man does little things with more solemnity, or claims more respect than he. But he's in the right on't. In our bad world, respect is given where respect is claimed. MRS. CRO. Never mind the world, my dear; you were never in a pleasanter place in your life. Let us now think of receiving him with proper respect-[A loud rapping at the door],-and there he is, by the thundering rap. CRO. Ay, verily, there he is; as close upon the heels of his own express, as an endorsement upon the back of a bill. Well, I'll leave you to receive him, whilst I go to chide my little Olivia for intending to steal a marriage without mine or her aunt's consent. I must seem to be angry, or she too may begin to despise my authority. [Exit.

Enter LOFTY, speaking to his Servant

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LOF. And if the Venetian ambassador, or that teasing creature the Marquis, should call, I'm not at home. 'Dam'me, I'll be pack-horse to none of them! My dear madam, I have just snatched a moment-And if the expresses to his grace be ready, let them be sent off; they're of importance. Madam, I ask a thousand pardons.

MRS. CRO. Sir, this honour

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LOF. And, Dubardieu! if the person calls about the commission, let