HON. But a little spirit exerted on your side might perhaps restore authority.

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CRO. No, though I had the spirit of a lion! I do rouse sometimes. But what then? Always haggling and haggling. A man is tired of getting the better before his wife is tired of losing the victory. HON. It is a melancholy consideration indeed, that our chief comforts often produce our greatest anxieties, and that an increase of our possessions is but an inlet to new disquietudes. CRO. Ah, my dear friend, these were the very words of poor Dick Doleful to me not a week before he made away with himself. Indeed, Mr. Honeywood, I never see you but you put me in mind of poor Dick. Ah, there was merit neglected for you! and so true a friend! we lov'd each other for thirty years, and yet he never asked me to lend him a single farthing. HON. Pray what could induce him to commit so rash an action at last?

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CRO. I don't know: some people were malicious enough to say it was keeping company with me; because we used to meet now and then and open our hearts to each other. To be sure I lov'd to hear him talk, and he loved to hear me talk; poor dear Dick. He used to say that Croaker rhymed to joker; and so we used to laugh-Poor Dick! [Going to cry. HON. His fate affects me.

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CRO. Ah, he grew sick of this miserable life, where we do nothing but eat and grow hungry, dress and undress, get up and lie down; while reason, that should watch like a nurse by our side, falls as fast asleep as we do.

HON. To say truth, if we compare that part of life which is to come, by that which we have passed, the prospect is hideous. CRO. Life at the greatest and best is but a froward child, that must be humour'd and coax'd a little till it falls asleep, and then all the care is over.

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HON. Very true, sir, nothing can exceed the vanity of our existence, but the folly of our pursuits. We wept when we came into the world, and every day tells us why. CRO. Ah, my dear friend, it is a perfect satisfaction to be miserable with you. My son Leontine shan't lose the benefit of such fine conversation. I'll just step home for him. I am willing to show him so much seriousness in one scarce older than himself. And what if I bring my last letter to the Gazetteer on the increase and progress of earthquakes? It will amuse us, I promise you. I there prove how the late earthquake is coming round to pay us another visit from London to Lisbon, from Lisbon to the Canary Islands, from the Canary Islands to Palmyra, from Palmyra to Constantinople, and so from Constantinople back to London again.

[Exit.

HON. Poor Croaker! His situation deserves the utmost pity. I shall scarce recover my spirits these three days. Sure, to live upon such terms is worse than death itself! And yet, when I consider my own situation, a broken fortune, a hopeless passion, friends in distress, the wish but not the power to serve them— [pausing and sighing].

Enter BUTLER

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BUT. More company below, sir; Mrs. Croaker and Miss Richland; shall I show them up? But they're showing up themselves.

Enter MRS. CROAKER and MISS RICHLAND

[Exit.

MISS RICH. You're always in such spirits. MRS. CRO. We have just come, my dear Honeywood, from the auction. There was the old deaf dowager, as usual, bidding like a fury against herself. And then so curious in antiques! Herself the most genuine piece of antiquity in the whole collection!

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HON. Excuse me, ladies, if some uneasiness from friendship makes me unfit to share in this good humour: I know you'll pardon

me.

MRS. CRO. I vow he seems as melancholy as if he had taken a dose of my husband this morning. Well, if Richland here can pardon you, I must.

MISS RICH. You would seem to insinuate, madam, that I have particular reasons for being dispos'd to refuse it.

MRS. CRO. Whatever I insinuate, my dear, don't be so ready to wish an explanation.

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MISS RICH. I own I should be sorry Mr. Honeywood's long friendship and mine should be misunderstood.

HON. There's no answering for others, madam. But I hope you'll never find me presuming to offer more than the most delicate friendship may readily allow.

MISS RICH. And I shall be prouder of such a tribute from you than the most passionate professions from others.

HON. My own sentiments, madam: friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals; love, an abject intercourse between tyrants and slaves.

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MISS RICH. And, without a compliment, I know none more disinterested, or more capable of friendship, than Mr. Honeywood. MRS. CRO. And, indeed, I know nobody that has more friends, at least among the ladies. Miss Fruzz, Miss Oddbody, and Miss Winterbottom, praise him in all companies. As for Miss Biddy Bundle, she's his professed admirer.

MISS RICH. Indeed! an admirer! I did not know, sir, you were

C

such a favourite there. But is she seriously so handsome? Is she the mighty thing talk'd of.

HON. The town, madam, seldom begins to praise a lady's beauty, till she's beginning to lose it! [Smiling.]

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MRS. CRO. But she's resolved never to lose it, it seems. For, as her natural face decays, her skill improves in making the artificial one. Well, nothing diverts me more than one of these fine, old, dressy things, who thinks to conceal her age by everywhere exposing her person; sticking herself up in the front of a sidebox; trailing through a minuet at Almack's; and then, in the public gardens, looking for all the world like one of the painted ruins of the place.

HON. Every age has its admirers, ladies. While you, perhaps, are trading among the warmer climates of youth, there ought to be some to carry on a useful commerce in the frozen latitudes beyond fifty.

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MISS RICH. But then, the mortifications they must suffer before they can be fitted out for traffic. I have seen one of them fret a whole morning at her hair-dresser, when all the fault was her face. HON. And yet, I'll engage, has carried that face at last to a very good market. This good-natur'd town, madam, has husbands, like spectacles, to fit every age, from fifteen to fourscore. MRS. CRO. Well, you're a dear, good-natur'd creature. But you know you're engaged with us this morning upon a strolling party. I want to show Olivia the town, and the things; I believe I shall have business for you for the whole day. HON. I am sorry, madam, I have an appointment with Mr. Croaker, which it is impossible to put off.

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MRS. CRO. What! with my husband! Then I'm resolved to take no refusal. Nay, I protest you must. You know I never laugh so much as with you.

HON. Why, if I must, I must. I'll swear you have put me into such spirits. Well, do you find jest, and I'll find laugh, I promise you. We'll wait for the chariot in the next room.

Enter LEONTINE and OLIVIA

[Exeunt.

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LEON. There they go, thoughtless and happy. My dearest Olivia, what would I give to see you capable of sharing in their amusements, and as cheerful as they are! OLIV. How, my Leontine, how can I be cheerful, when I have so many terrors to oppress me? The fear of being detected by this family, and the apprehensions of a censuring world, when I must be detected

LEON. The world! my love, what can it say? At worst it can only say that, being compelled by a mercenary guardian to

embrace a life you disliked, you formed a resolution of flying with the man of your choice; that you confided in his honour, and took refuge in my father's house; the only one where yours could remain without censure.

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OLIV. But consider, Leontine, your disobedience, and my indiscretion; your being sent to France to bring home a sister, and, instead of a sister, bringing home

LEON. One dearer than a thousand sisters. One that I am convinc'd will be equally dear to the rest of the family, when she comes to be known.

OLIV. And that, I fear, will shortly be.

LEON. Impossible, till we ourselves think proper to make the discovery. My sister, you know, has been with her aunt, at Lyons, since she was a child, and you find every creature in the family takes you for her.

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OLIV. But mayn't she write, mayn't her aunt write? LEON. Her aunt scarce ever writes, and all my sister's letters are directed to me.

OLIV. But won't your refusing Miss Richland, for whom you know the old gentleman intends you, create a suspicion ? LEON. There, there's my master-stroke. I have resolved not to refuse her; nay, an hour hence I have consented to go with my father, to make her an offer of my heart and fortune.

OLIV. Your heart and fortune!

LEON. Don't be alarm'd, my dearest.

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Can Olivia think so meanly

of my honour, or my love, as to suppose I could ever hope for happiness from any but her? No, my Olivia, neither the force, nor, permit me to add, the delicacy of my passion, leave any room to suspect me. I only offer Miss Richland a heart I am convinced she will refuse; as I am confident that, without knowing it, her affections are fixed upon Mr. Honeywood. OLIV. Mr. Honeywood! You'll excuse my apprehensions; but when your merits come to be put in the balance383 LEON. You view them with too much partiality. However, by making this offer, I show a seeming compliance with my father's commands; and, perhaps, upon her refusal, I may have his consent to choose for myself.

OLIV. Well, I submit. And yet, my Leontine, I own, I shall envy her even your pretended addresses. I consider every look, every expression of your esteem, as due only to me. This is folly, perhaps: I allow it; but it is natural to suppose, that merit which has made an impression on one's own heart, may be powerful over that of another.

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LEON. Don't, my life's treasure, don't let us make imaginary evils, when you know we have so many real ones to encounter. At worst, you know, if Miss Richland should consent, or my father refuse his pardon, it can but end in a trip to Scotland: and

Enter CROAKER

CRO. Where have you been, boy? I have been seeking you. My friend Honeywood, here, has been saying such comfortable things. Ah! he's an example indeed. Where is he? I left him here.

403

I'm

LEON. Sir, I believe you may see him, and hear him, too, in the next room: he's preparing to go out with the ladies. CRO. Good gracious! can I believe my eyes or my ears? struck dumb with his vivacity, and stunn'd with the loudness of his laugh. Was there ever such a transformation? [A laugh behind the scenes. CROAKER mimics it.] Ha! ha! ha! there it goes: a plague take their balderdash! Yet I could expect nothing less, when my precious wife was of the party. On my conscience, I believe she could spread a horse-laugh through the pews of a tabernacle.

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LEON. Since you find so many objections to a wife, sir, how can you be so earnest in recommending one to me? CRO. I have told you, and tell you again, boy, that Miss Richland's fortune must not go out of the family; one may find comfort in the money, whatever one does in the wife.

LEON. But, sir, though, in obedience to your desire, I am ready to marry her, it may be possible she has no inclination to me. CRO. I'll tell you once for all how it stands. A good part of Miss Richland's large fortune consists in a claim upon Government, which my good friend, Mr. Lofty, assures me the Treasury will allow. One half of this she is to forfeit, by her father's will, in case she refuses to marry you. So, if she rejects you, we seize half her fortune; if she accepts you, we seize the whole, and a fine girl into the bargain.

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LEON. But, sir, if you will but listen to reasonCRO. Come, then, produce your reasons. I tell you, I'm fixed, determined; so now produce your reasons.

When I'm deter

mined, I always listen to reason, because it can then do no harm.

LEON. You have alleged that a mutual choice was the first requisite in matrimonial happiness.

CRO. Well, and you have both of you a mutual choice. She has her choice to marry you, or lose half her fortune; and you have your choice-to marry her, or pack out of doors without any fortune at all.

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LEON. An only son, sir, might expect more indulgence. CRO. An only father, sir, might expect more obedience; besides, has not your sister here, that never disobliged me in her life, as good a right as you? He's a sad dog, Livy, my dear, and would take all from you. But he shan't, I tell you he shan't, for you shall have your share.

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