ACT V

(SCENE continues)

Enter HASTINGS and Servant

HAST. You saw the old lady and Miss Neville drive off, you say?
SER. Yes, your honour. They went off in a post coach, and the
young 'squire went on horseback.
They're thirty miles off by

this time.

HAST. Then all my hopes are over.

SER. Yes, sir. Old Sir Charles is arrived. He and the old gentleman of the house have been laughing at Mr. Marlow's mistake this half-hour. They are coming this way. HAST. Then I must not be seen. So now to my fruitless appointment at the bottom of the garden. This is about the time.

Enter SIR CHARLES and HARDCASTLE

ΤΟ

[Exit.

HARD. Ha! ha! ha! The peremptory tone in which he set forth his sublime commands.

SIR CHA. And the reserve with which I suppose he treated all your advances.

HARD. And yet he might have seen something in me above a common innkeeper, too.

SIR CHA. Yes, Dick, but he mistook you for an uncommon innkeeper, ha! ha! ha!

HARD. Well, I'm in too good spirits to think of anything but joy. Yes, my dear friend, this union of our families will make our personal friendships hereditary: and though my daughter's fortune is but small

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SIR CHA. Why, Dick, will you talk of fortune to me? My son is possessed of more than a competence already, and can want nothing but a good and virtuous girl to share his happiness and increase it. If they like each other, as you say they doHARD. If, man! I tell you they do like each other. My daughter as good as told me so.

SIR CHA. But girls are apt to flatter themselves, you know.

HARD. I saw him grasp her hand in the warmest manner myself; and here he comes to put you out of your ifs, I warrant him.

Enter MARLOW

MAR. I come, sir, once more, to ask pardon for my strange conduct. I can scarce reflect on my insolence without confusion. HARD. Tut, boy, a trifle! You take it too gravely. An hour or two's laughing with my daughter will set all to rights again. She'll never like you the worse for it.

36

MAR. Sir, I shall be always proud of her approbation.

HARD. Approbation is but a cold word, Mr. Marlow; if I am not deceived, you have something more than approbation thereabouts. You take me?

MAR. Really, sir, I have not that happiness.

HARD. Come, boy, I'm an old fellow, and know what's what, as well as you that are younger. I know what has passed between you; but mum.

MAR. Sure, sir, nothing has passed between us but the most profound respect on my side, and the most distant reserve on her's. You don't think, sir, that my impudence has been passed upon all the rest of the family.

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HARD. Impudence! No, I don't say that-not quite impudence -though girls like to be played with, and rumpled a little too, sometimes. But she has told no tales, I assure you. MAR. I never gave her the slightest cause.

HARD. Well, well, I like modesty in its place well enough.

But

this is over-acting, young gentleman. You may be open. Your father and I will like you the better for it.

MAR. May I die, sir, if I ever

HARD. I tell you, she don't dislike you; and, as I'm sure you like her

MAR. Dear sir—I protest, sir

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HARD. I see no reason why you should not be joined as fast as the parson can tie you.

MAR. But hear me, sir

HARD. Your father approves the match, I admire it; every moment's delay will be doing mischief, so

MAR. But why won't you hear me? By all that's just and true, I never gave Miss Hardcastle the slightest mark of my attachment, or even the most distant hint to suspect me of affection. We had but one interview, and that was formal, modest, and uninteresting.

69

HARD. [aside]. This fellow's formal modest impudence is beyond bearing.

SIR CHA. And you never grasped her hand, or made any protestations?

MAR. As Heaven is my witness, I came down in obedience to your commands. I saw the lady without emotion, and parted without reluctance. I hope you'll exact no further proofs of my duty, nor prevent me from leaving a house in which I suffer so many mortifications.

[Exit.

SIR CHA. I'm astonished at the air of sincerity with which he parted.

80

HARD. And I'm astonished at the deliberate intrepidity of his

assurance.

SIR CHA. I dare pledge my life and honour upon his truth.

HARD. Here comes my daughter, and I would stake my happiness upon her veracity.

Enter Miss HARDCASTLE

HARD. Kate, come hither, child. Answer us sincerely and without reserve; has Mr. Marlow made you any professions of love and affection?

MISS HARD. The question is very abrupt, sir. require unreserved sincerity, I think he has. HARD. [to SIR CHARLES]. You see.

But since you

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SIR CHA. And pray, madam, have you and my son had more than

one interview?

MISS HARD. Yes, sir, several.

HARD. [to SIR CHARLES]. You see.

SIR CHA. But did he profess any attachment?

MISS HARD. A lasting one.

SIR CHA. Did he talk of love?

MISS HARD. Much, sir.

SIR CHA. Amazing! And all this formally?
MISS HARD. Formally.

HARD. Now, my friend, I hope you are satisfied.
SIR CHA. And how did he behave, madam ?
MISS HARD. As most professed admirers do.

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Said some civil

things of my face, talked much of his want of merit, and the greatness of mine; mentioned his heart, gave a short tragedy speech, and ended with pretended rapture.

SIR CHA. Now I'm perfectly convinced, indeed. I know his conversation among women to be modest and submissive. This forward, canting, ranting manner by no means describes him, and I am confident he never sat for the picture.

III

MISS HARD. Then, what, sir, if I should convince you to your face of my sincerity ? If f you and my papa, in about half an hour, will place yourselves behind that screen, you shall hear him declare his passion to me in person.

SIR CHA. Agreed. And if I find him what you describe, all my happiness in him must have an end.

[Exit.

MISS HARD. And if you don't find him what I describe-I fear my happiness must never have a beginning.

SCENE changes to the back of the Garden

Enter HASTINGS

[Exeunt.

HAST. What an idiot am I, to wait here for a fellow, who probably takes a delight in mortifying me. He never intended to be punctual, and I'll wait no longer. What do I see? and perhaps with news of my Constance.

It is he,

123

Enter TONY, booted and spattered

HAST. My honest 'squire! I now find you a man

of your word,

This looks like friendship. TONY. Ay, I'm your friend, and the best friend you have in the world, if you knew but all. This riding by night, by the bye, is cursedly tiresome. It has shook me worse than the basket of a stage-coach.

HAST. But how? where did you leave your fellow-travellers? Are they in safety? Are they housed?

TONY. Five and twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such bad driving. The poor beasts have smoked for it: rabbit me, but I'd rather ride forty miles after a fox, than ten with such varmint.

135

HAST. Well, but where have you left the ladies? I die with impatience.

TONY. Left them? Why where should I leave them but where I found them?

HAST. This is a riddle.

TONY. Riddle me this, then. What's that goes round the house, and round the house, and never touches the house?

HAST. I'm still astray.

TONY. Why, that's it, mon.

I have led them astray. By jingo,

there's not a pond or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste of.

146

HAST. Ha, ha, ha, I understand; you took them in a round, while they supposed themselves going forward, and so you have at last brought them home again.

TONY. You shall hear. I first took them down Feather-bed Lane, where we stuck fast in the mud. I then rattled them crack

over the stones of Up-and-down Hill. I then introduced them to the gibbet on Heavy-tree Heath, and from that, with a circumbendibus, I fairly lodged them in the horsepond at the bottom of the garden.

HAST. But no accident, I hope ?

TONY. No, no. Only mother is confoundedly frightened.

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She

thinks herself forty miles off. She's sick of the journey, and the cattle can scarce crawl. So, if your own horses be ready, you may whip off with cousin, and I'll be bound that no soul here can budge a foot to follow you. HAST. My dear friend, how can I be grateful? TONY. Ay, now it's dear friend, noble 'squire. all idiot, cub, and run me through the guts. fighting, I say. After we take a knock in this part of the country, we kiss and be friends. But if you had run me through the guts, then I should be dead, and you might go kiss the hangman.

Just now, it was Damn your way of

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HAST. The rebuke is just. But I must hasten to relieve Miss Neville; if you keep the old lady employed, I promise to take care of the young one. [Exit HASTINGS. TONY. Never fear me. Here she comes. Vanish. She's got from the pond, and draggled up to the waist like a mermaid.

Enter MRS. HARDCASTLE

MRS. HARD. Oh, Tony, I'm killed! Shook. Battered to death. I shall never survive it. That last jolt that laid us against the quickset hedge has done my business.

TONY. Alack, mamma, it was all your own fault. You would be for running away by night, without knowing one inch of the

way.

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MRS. HARD. I wish we were at home again. I never met so many accidents in so short a journey. Drenched in the mud, overturned in a ditch, stuck fast in a slough, jolted to a jelly, and at last to lose our way. Whereabouts do you think we are, Tony?

TONY. By my guess we should be upon Crackskull common, about forty miles from home.

MRS. HARD. O lud! O lud! The most notorious spot in all the country. We only want a robbery to make a complete night on 't. TONY. Don't be afraid, mamma, don't be afraid. Two of the five that kept here are hanged, and the other three may not find us. Don't be afraid. Is that a man that's galloping behind us? No; it's only a tree. Don't be afraid.

MRS. HARD. The fright will certainly kill me.

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TONY. Do you see anything like a black hat moving behind the thicket?

MRS. HARD. O death!

TONY. No, it's only a cow. afraid. MRS. HARD. As I'm alive, Tony, I see a man coming towards us. Ah! I'm sure on 't. If he perceives us, we are undone. TONY [aside], Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky, come to take one of his night walks. [To her.] Ah, it's a highwayman with pistols as long as my arm. A damned ill-looking fellow. MRS. HARD. Good Heaven defend us! TONY. Do you hide yourself in that manage him. If there be any danger, When I cough, be sure to keep close. behind a tree in the back scene.]

Don't be afraid, mamma; don't be

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He approaches. thicket, and leave me to I'll cough, and cry hem. [MRS. HARDCASTLE hides

Enter HARDCASTLE

HARD. I'm mistaken, or I heard voices of people in want of help. Oh, Tony, is that you? I did not expect you so soon back. Are your mother and her charge in safety?