Enter HONEYWOOD. Honey. Well, Jarvis, what meffages from my friends this morning? Jar. You have no friends. Honey. Well; from my acquaintance then? Far. (pulling out bills) A few of our usual cards of compliment, that's all. This bill from your taylor; this from your mercer, and this from the little broker in Crooked-lane. He fays he has been at a great deal of trouble to get back the money you borrowed. Honey. That I don't know; but I'm fure we were at a great deal of trouble in getting him to lend it, far. He has loft all patience. Honey. Then he has loft a very good thing. far. There's that ten guineas you were fending to the poor gentleman and his children in the Fleet. I believe that would ftop his mouth for a while at least. Honey. Ay, Jarvis, but what will fill their mouths in the mean time? Muft I be cruel because he happens to be importunate; and to relieve his avarice, leave them to infupportable distress ? Far. 'Sdeath! fir, the question now is how to relieve yourself. Yourself-Hav'n't I reason to be out of my fenfes when I fee things going at fixes and sevens? Honey. Whatever reafon you may have for being out of your fenfes, I hope you'll allow that I'm not quite unreasonable for continuing in mine. Jar. You're the only man alive in your prefent fituation that could do fo.-Every thing upon the waste. -There's mifs Richland and her fine fortune gone already, and upon the point of being given to your rival. Honey. I'm no man's rival. Jar. Your uncle in Italy preparing to difinherit you; your own fortune almost spent ; and nothing but preffing creditors, falfe friends, and a pack of drunken fervants that your kindness has made unfit for any other family. Honey. Then they have the more occafion for being in mine. Far. Soh! What will you have done with him that I caught ftealing your plate in the pantry? In the fact ; I caught him in the fact. Honey. In the fact! If fo, I really think that we fhould pay him his wages, and turn him off. Jar. He fhall be turn'd off at Tyburn, the dog ;we'll hang him, if it be only to frighten the reft of the family. Honey. No, Jarvis: it's enough that we have loft what he has ftolen, let us not add to it the loss of a fellow creature! Jar. Very fine; well, here was the footman juft now, to complain of the butler; he fays he does moft work, and ought to have moft wages. Honey. That's but juft; tho' perhaps here comes the butler to complain of the footman. Jar. Ay, it's the way with them all, from the fcullion to the privy counfellor. If they have a bad mafter, they keep quartelling with him: if they have a good mafter, they keep quarrelling with one another. Enter BUTLER, drunk. Butler. Sir, I'll not ftay in the family with Jonathan : you must part with him, or part with me, that's the ex-ex-expofition of the matter, fir. Honey. Full and explicit enough. But what's his fault, good Philip? Butler. Sir, he's given to drinking, fir, and I fhall have my morals corrupted, by keeping such company. Honey. Ha ha! He has fuch a diverting way—— Far. O quite amufing. But. I find my wines a-going, fir; and liquors don't go without mouths, fir; I hate a drunkard, fir. Honey. Well, well, Philip, I'll hear you upon that another time, fo go to bed now. Far. To bed! Let him go to the devil. But. Begging your honour's pardon, and begging your pardon, mafter Jarvis, I'll not go to bed, nor to the devil neither. I have enough to do to mind my cellar. I forgot, your honour, Mr. Croaker is below. I came on purpose to tell you. Honey. Why did'nt you fhew him up, blockhead ? But. Shew him up, fir! With all my heart, fir. Up or down, all's one to me. [Exit. Jar. Ay, we have one or other of that family in this house from morning till night. He comes on the old affair I fuppofe. The match between his fon, that's juft returned from Paris, and mifs Richland, the young lady he's guardian to. Honey. Perhaps fo. Mr. Croaker, knowing my friendship for the young lady, has got it into his head that I can perfuade her to what I please. Jar. Ah! If you lov'd yourself but half as well as fhe loves you, we would foon fee a marriage that would fet all things to rights again. Honey. Love me! Sure, Jarvis, you dream. No, no; her intimacy with me never amounted to more than friendship mere friendship. That he is the moft lovely woman that ever warm'd the human heart with defire, I own. But never let me harbour a thought of making her unhappy, by a connection with one fo unworthy her merits as I am. No, Jarvis, it fhall be my study to ferve her, even in fpite of my wifhes; and to fecure her happiness, tho' it deftroys my own. Jar. Was ever the like! I want patience. Honey. Befides, Jarvis, though I could obtain mifs Richland's confent, do you think I could fucceed with her guardian, or Mrs. Croaker his wife; who, tho' both very fine in their way, are yet a little oppofite in their difpofitions you know. far. Oppofite enough, heaven knows; the very reverfe of each other; fhe all laugh and no joke; he always complaining, and never forrowful; á fretful poor foul that has a new distress for every hour in the four and twenty Honey. Hufh, hufh, he's coming up, he'll hear you. Jar. A raven that bodes nothing but mischief; a coffin and cross bones; a bundle of rue; a fprig of deadly night fhade; a (Honeywood fopping bis mouth, at laft pushes him off.) [Exit Jarvis. Honey. I must own my old monitor is not entirely wrong. There is fomething in my friend Croaker's converfation that quite depreffes me. His very mirth is an antidote to all gaiety, and his appearance has a ftronger effect on my fpirits than an undertaker's fhop. -Mr. Croaker, this is fuch a fatisfaction many Enter CROAKER. Croak. A pleasant morning to Mr. Honeywood, and of them. How is this! You look most shockingly to-day, my dear friend. I hope this weather does not affect your fpirits. To be fure, if this weather continues-I fay nothing but God fend we be all better this day three months. Honey. I heartily concur in the wish, though I own not in your apprehenfions. Croak. May be not! Indeed what fignifies what weather we have in a country going to ruin like ours? Taxes rifing and trade falling. Money flying out of the kingdom and Jefuits fwarning into it. I know at this time no less than an hundred and twenty-feven Jefuits between Charing-crofs and Temple-bar. Honey. The Jefuits will fcarce pervert you or me I fhould hope. Croak. May be not. Indeed what fignifies whom they pervert in a country that has scarce any religion to lose? I'm only afraid for our wives and daughters. |