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expectations, or extorting your shiling the style of Sir Richard Phillips, or after out of your breeches pocket on false the good dame-school process of the ab pretences. Blessed is the man who phabet, as is the mode of Cyrus Redexpects nothing, for he will not be dis- ding, Commander-in-chief of the small appointed. If you have expected any text of Colburn, Saunders, and Ottley's thing, blame yourself for the disappoint- Magazine. Those who are concerned ment, for we have not given any reason in farming, buying, or selling, or specuwhatever for your aspirations.
lating--those who are looking after the For this, you may be assured, we havo loaves and fishes, the shoulder-knots reasons good. One of the principal of and epaulettes, the coifs and wigs, the which is, that we do not well know, in our lawn-sleeves, or shovel-hats, of this own mind, what is to be the exact line we world, do not need the slow-coming, mean to adopt. We shall just float down snail-pace, once-a-month, heavy waggon the stream as merrily and as carelessly as of a magazine, to inform them of what we can, writing straight a-head whatever guides or regulates these momentous enters our cerebrum, or cerebellum, or matters, when they have the bang-upwbatever other part and portion of us is four-in-hand fly-a-way, smacking and endowed with the thinking faculty. Vo- dashing on every side of them in the gue la galere tant qu'elle pourra voguer! shape of newspapers, brimful of such inIf we be wise one month, we shall be telligence, morning and evening. The foolish the next three-if stupid, as we births, marriages, and deaths of those rather imagine we are this month, better whom it most concerns us to know days will dawn upon the intellectual about, are ticketed and labelled in faculties of our readers in the next. their own appropriate repositories, as Against one thing shall we wage war- peerayes, baronetages, &c. except war, fierce, turbulent, no-quarter-giving the deaths of men conspicuous in their -against HUMBUG. That elderly gen. generation for mind in any of its vatleman shall have no favour in our eyes; rieties, who, indeed, rarely appear in no matter in what harlequin jacket he the above receptacles, and they have may think proper to array himself. their peculiar mummy-cases, in the Whether he appear rigged out as patriot shape of quarto, octavo, or duodecimo. or critie--saint or sinner-wit or ass, it memoirs, published by mourning friends, is all one; we shall most unrelentingly in honour of the deceased, and out of expose him whenever he happens to fall compliment to the coin of the biblioin our way.
polists. As for provincial affairs, synopAs for Balaam, a word, for the inven- ses of intelligence, or by whatever other tion of which the Rev. Mr. North, of name the stupid things are called, Edinburgh, cannot be sufficiently ex- wbat do we, living in the polite regions tolled; it is entirely out of the question, of Smithfield, care about such barbarian but that we must have our natural share matters? What do we want to know, of that. Like the atmospbere, it surrounds for instance - that the wiseacres of all periodical works; we cannot breathe Wisbeach were deep in deliberation on but we suck it in. And why not? Is the propriety of building a bridge at there any act of parliament against any Long Sutton Wash?- A fact stated in man's writing nonsense, and that too of all the glory of leaded brevier in the the most conspicuous kind? Forbid it, two hundred and, eighty-sixth page of Heaven! It would be a most suicidal the forty-second number of the New act, if any such existed, for it would cut Monthly Magazine? By abstaining from the throats of nine-tenths of the proceed- such stuff, we save our readers—a thing, ings of our lords and masters in the good readers! not to be despised- the houses above and below. But though expense of at least sixteen, perhaps, thus perfectly convinced of the intense twenty additional pages. necessity of Balaam, yet we shall most As for politics, bowever, - but we decidedly discharge from our pages all reserve our resolves on that bead, deep such matter as is avowedly and unblush- buried in the profundity of our own amingly so. Avaunt, therefore, Commer- ple bosoms. cial Reports, Agricultural ditto, Medi- Now, we had 140 more notion of writcal ditto. Away with Lists of Bank, ing any thing like a prospectus, when ruptcies, Promotions, Preferments, with. we began this essay of ours, than we announcements of Births, Deaths, and had of going with Captain Parry to flirt Marriages; with Provincial Occurrcn- with Iligluik, the Eskimaux belle--and ces, whether arranged geographically in yet we have written one after a sort. After a sort we may say, for we own we
lived and died in the next century to never had any chance of shining in the Bacon,) was but a copy of Bacon's. at of prospectuses. If any lady or gentle- And, under those circumstances, he man wish to see a prospectus, let him or proposes his arrangement. It is oraher read over the modest and pathetic cular and mystic. It puts us in mind appeal to the public, lately set afloat by of an orphic rhapsody on the prima Mr. Mc Dermot, of the European-the stamina of the universe. New Old European, we mean - in which every thing is superb. He assures
General Enumeration of the Bayswater you, that he is himself clever-bis arti
Review's intended Contents. cles clever- his men clever- his tout PRINCiples of all things-Eleensemble clever. He informs you that Ments which these principles originate be has chosen himself editor, in conse
--Beings which these elements form quence of the vast talents he found that ORGANS which these being's developehe had displayed in writing some meta- WANTS which these organs experience physics for the playhouse, which he had -SIGNs which these wants excite-Sothe rare merit of reading--and promises cieties wbich these signs producethat he will, every month, give you a COUNTRIES which these societies inhabit chapter, on a fresh poet, and fix his -EARTH which these countries complace for ever in the literature of the pose-PLANETARY System to which country. There's a conspicuous Celt ihis earth belongs." for you! We doubt if there be a finer Which general arrangement is folat the door of any suff-shop in the lowed by a minute sub-division into metropolis.
half a hundred heads, according to But even he is eclipsed by the com- which hydra, the great critics of Europe ing glories of the European Review ; will regulate this immortal work! to be edited in Bayswater, and pub- After this he need hardly have told lished by Pouchéc, in Corent-Garden us, that universal conclusiveness is the Market. This is traly the prince of all first characteristic of his forthcoming possible prospectus-writing. It starts Review. We fear, however, it will never well. It is the European Review, or appear at all-we fear it, we say, for it MIND, AND ITS PRODUCTIONS IN BRI. holds forth all the promise of being the TAIN, FRANCE, ITALY, GERMANY, &c. most splendid of butts.-which, &c. means all nations in the But we are wasting our time. world. In this is to be found « all the
Therefore, no longer we'll keep you a waiting, Intellect of the continent as it were in Filling our columns with prefaces dull; deposit." A pretty pawn-broking phrase, Let's rather drink, without further debating, wliich is corroborated by the assertion Success to our new Magazine, the John that “ the most distinguished men of
Bull. Europe have pledged to it their genius." Join in the toast we are merrily drinking, Statesmen best acquainted with the Heaping your glasses, we charge you, court, the cabinet, and the country, are
brim-full; to write its politics—and its literature We don't allow any scrupulous shrinking, is to exhibit the sum total of intellectual When we drink to our new Magazine, the and social advancement, during the
John Bull. gradual progress of the year. There is Long may it flourish, all humbug despising, to be in it no pedantry, no dryness, no Laughing at blockhead, ass, goose, and want of talent, discrimination, nor cor
Qum-scull; rage, as in all other books. Nothing Honouring talent, good fellowship prizing, can be more beautifal than the naïve So success to our new Magazine the John
Bull. simplicity with which the capacity of executing all these fine things is taken What, then, shall we begin with? for granted-or than the noble jolter- Why any thing. Here is a lump of a headed manner in which the editor story from Ireland-So let us, in the divides all arts and sciences for the name of Boeotia, begin with that. Both better conduct of his five-shilling de- Blackwood's and Colburn's last Maga, posit for the pledged genius of Europe. zines began with Irish affairs, and as it The arrangement of Bacon, he ob- is evidently voted that they should be serves, though admirable for the time the regular bores of all good society, in which he lived, is full of orrors--the why should not we too open with numtable of D'Alembert, even after the ber one of a dull series of lapse of some centuries, (D'Alembert
LIGHTS AND SHADOWS OF TRISK LIFE.
No. I.-The Chaired Orator, and the Purplemen. [In the following sketch, for a story is nell is ready to hoist cudgel against
hardly aimed at, it endeavoured to Scully, all over the land. If you seek give the feelings and arguments of the the cause of dispute, you may be told different violent parties in Ireland as that Scully's grandfather had murdered they exist at present. Those who know Connell's grand-uncle, or ravished his that conntry, will perceive that no in- grandmother; but most probably you dividual character is intended in any will be answered, that nobody knows part, though they may recognize traits why they fight, but it is an old fasbion common to many leaders of the several of the families, which it would be a factions. The ground-work of the shame to give up. Among the higher story has some foundation in fact.) classes, the national disposition is of Introductory.
course curbed by the forms of polished
society; but even there, it is visible in I do not remember where I saw it re- the extra number of duels, the fierce marked, but I certainly have seen it some- contentions at public dinners, the angry where, that the natives of the Gothic personal denunciations in speeches and race, actuated by a spirit of union, went pamphlets, which are almost peculiar to steadily forward to their great object of Ireland. Even the labourers in the same subjugating countries and founding vineyard cannot agree to carry on the kingdoms; while the Celts, fierce and work in harmony. So long ago as the disurited to the last, were no sooner es- days of the martyr Charles, Ormond tablished any where, than they turned strenuously advised that the Roman their arms on one another in savage Catholics should be allowed to meet, civil war, and were consequently driven because he asserted, from his own long by external foes gradually into the holes experience of them, that they could not and corners of Europe, the mountains come together without quarrelling, and of Biscay, the fastnesses of Bretagne, his assertion was verified by the result. the highlands of Scotland, the hills of In our time, the Catholic body was Wales, the morasses and forests of Ire- shaken to its centre, by a division about land. There has been, I know, much the policy of allowing the crown a condisputation, much ink-shed, and I be- trol over the nomination of their prelates, lieve some blood-shed, as to the filiation or, as it was called, the Veto. The and the superior claims of their races. more moderate party, anxious princiI feel little interest in the quarrel, but pally for the acquisition of civil rights, assuming the hypothesis, wbich makes were willing to grant it: the more zcalthe aborigines of Ireland Celtic, the cha- ous, including the chief orators of the racter of pugnacity is fully borne out by sect, the priests, and consequently the their proceedings. There is, as we all mob, clamoured that it would be an inknow, one grand feud of Protestant and vasion of the unity of the church, and Roman catholic, dividing the popula- an abomination not to be tolerated. tion into two great classes. It is only There was an immensity of angry disthe representative of the feud between cussions on the subject, and the VeEnglish and Irish-mere; and had the toists and Anti-Vetoists hated for the reformation chanced to have taken a moment one another more cordially than different course, had England remained they did the common enemy. in the pale of the Romish church, the quarrel would be just going on in the
The Veto Row. same way as it is now. Indeed, it is It was during the heat and fervour of probable, that the mob of Ireland would this feeling, that an aggregate meeting be at present ultra Protestant.
was called in the city of But besides this feud, there are a thou- object of wbich was, to petition Parliasand others, incident to a demi-civilized ment for the removal of the remaining state of society. In almost every parish, enactments of the penal code. In that there is a hereditary quarrel handed rich and populous city, the upper classes down from time immemorial, between of the Roman Catholics were almost families of names of discordant barba- without exception Vetoists; the mob, as rity Driscoll fights Sweeney ; Slattery I have already said, were there, as everyis pitched against Shaughnessy; Con- where else, enlisted warmly on the other
; the " No!
side. Tho Vetoists had formed a local present this populous and important board, from which this meeting emanated. city? Is there a inan among them whom It was, therefore, expected that they you would trust? I vow to Heaven, not would have had every thing their own one.--No, I repeat it-not one !” The way. A gentleman of immense wealth, cry was echoed by the crowd. and considerable talents, was chosen No!” they roared forth—"not one! down for the chair; the resolutions intended with them, down with them.” “Patience, to be prepared, were carefully and cle- my friends," said the speaker; “ Paverly written, with what appeared to tience ! let us have no violence. Is it to be them a due mixture of firmness and endured, that they, corrupt fawnersonour moderation : and the most respectable oppressors, lickspittle lacqueys to the men of the party were primed with ascendancy men, whose game they are speeches, intended, by an innocent de- playing, are to pass milk-and-water reception, to pass for extempore. No dif- solutions, bowing down before our tyficulty was apprehended. But alas, as rants, and begging with cap in hand for in true love, so in politics, the current the indisputable rights to which, as men, can seldom be got to run smooth. The as Irishmen, we are entitled ? Not it.” mob leaders had determined that Veto- Again arose the echo. “Not it-not it," ism should not be the order of the day. was shouted by a thousand voices. “Turn This determination, however, they kept them out-knock them to the devil." in a great measure to themselves. Their “ Wait awhile, my friends," continued resolutions were composed in secret con- the priest,
“ wait awhile. You know clave, by the select few; the news- Counsellor is in town; be told me papers in their pay, uttered only indis- that the moment he could get out of tinct murmurs; the priest from the altar court, where he is this instant defending muttered merely vague insinuations of a poor man, of whom the Orange magisthe dangers of the church. Underhand, tracy are anxious to make a victim, he every thing was organized with a skill would be here." This was ben trovato. invigorated by fiery zeal, and rendered The generosity of the popular barrister, dexterous by continual practice. The rescuing a poor man from the fangs of Vetoists knew nothing about it, and ravenous orangism, was irresistible. It went on with their preparations, They raised bim fitty degrees in the estimaprovided a spacious building capable of tion of the auditory; to whom the priest containing some hundreds, for they said nothing of the three guineas, which knew enough of the state of public feel- the generous lawyer pocketed on the ing not to trust themselves to an exhi- occasion. bition al fresco, and they determined Here another orator presented himon filling it exclusively with their friends. self; he was a man of gigantic stature, When the day arrived, they succeeded a noticeable fellow of thews and sinews, in this object, and the meeting, with who was ever prominent in promoting scarce any exception, was composed of
Why then," said he, “ it will be partizans of Vetoism.
a pretty joke, to bring the counsellor here The business of the day had begun. when is over. The fellows inside are The chair was taken; the opening speech, as cunning as foxes, and will pass their dwelling on the grievances under which vagabond resolutions now in double the Catholics laboured, their undeviat- quick time. The sneaking rascals will ing loyalty, their devotion to the laws, print them in the papers, as the protheir determination to act as peaceable ceedings of the Catholics of the city, members of society, without resorting to and the dd orangemen will chuckle any agitating measures, and other simi- at having nicked us. Who will back lar topics, was making ; when a horrible me in collaring the turnspit in the chair clamour outside interrupted all the pro- inside, and shaking the liver out of him?" ceedings. It was a jubilant shout, rais- A unanimous burst of approbation ased by the mob, which had gathered in sured the speaker that he would not be some thousands about the place of meet- deserted in his laudable attempt. A ing, on the arrival of a priest, whose in- grim smile passed over the murky countense zeal in the cause, and powers of tenance of the priest, on seeing that popular eloquence, had made him a what he desired was thus to be accomgreat favourite with the rabble. He was plished without compromising him. He pot long idle. “ What,” said he, “is the
put in, however, a faint caveat in favour meaning of all this? Who are these peo- of moderation, which was drowned in ple, who have taken it upon them to re- the tumult of the now excited mob. A
dosperate rush was made at the gates of took advantage of the pausc, to declaré the building, which those inside had the meeting adjourned, and made a hastily closed when they perceived the hasty retreat through the window behind violence of the crowd; and a simultane- him, amid cries of“ no, no, no adjournous attack was directed on all sides at the ment; shame, shame," mixed with the windows. In a moment, the doors were most truculent hootings, and garnished torn from the hinges, and the multitude by a flight of missiles, the fragments of rushed forward to dislodge the former the broken furniture. He escaped comoccupants. They, alarmed even for paratively unhurt, rallied about a couple life, tled as well as they could through of hundred of his friends at a considera large window in the rear; or, ming- able distance from the scene of contest; ling with the invaders, gave up the con- marched them to a tavern, passed unretest. At the side-windows, where the garded resolutions, and unavailing pronarrowness of the entrance gave the tests, and retired home to ruminate on minority some chance of contending the absurdity of men, who think of proagainst superior numbers, The Vetoists posing half measures to an unreflecting shewed fight, and in some instances they populace. succeeded in making their ground good. But the rush through the door over
Speeching and Chairing. powered them, and their partial success Meanwhile the victors were subsiddid them no farther service than to se- ing into order. Silence was obtained, cure them an additional sallyport or two and, after some difficulty, a gentleman of retreat. The scene of tumult was was found hardy enough to preside. In vivid. In every corner was miscella- order to accommodate all parties, a spaneous fighting, and the house rang with cious breach was made in the wall, and the cries of rage, exultation, or pain; in the opening was placed the chair. with buzzas, yells, oaths, and execrati- By it was hastily thrown up a platform,
Black eyes, bloody noses, and on which the orators were to exhibit, so broken hones, were there in plentiful as to be heard by the crowd within and abundance; happily, however, no lives without. The arch-demagogue, the were lost. The struggle did not last prime attraction of the day, did not two minutes; a panic had seized the however arrive for an hour, and the time Vetoists, and sauve qui peut was soon was filled up by provincial performers, the order of the day. The benches, plat- who tumbled through their periods for forms, hustings, and all the paraphernalia the diversion of the audience. These, of public meetings, which they had however, kept carefully aloof from the erected, were torn down, and converted grand common-places of the party,which into weapons of offence against them. were reserved for the chief ornament of selves; and the brawny orator, who had the scene. When their prattle was getled forward the rabble, and done the cause ting generally voted tedious, a shout some service in the fistic war, which from the extremity of the crowd anensued, rising upon the shoulders of his pounced the arrival of the counsellor, tumultuous associates, was proceeding and a lane was instantly made for to put his threat of collaring the chair- his passage to the platform. He sprung man into execution. That gentleman up in a moment, and stood bare-headed bad kept his seat unmoved during the and erect in the middle of applauding disturbance, and now seeing the utter thousands. His cheek was pallid, but discomfiture of the project of his friends, his eyes beamed with intense excitebad recourse to the only manoeuvre that ment. He looked round with a slow could at all get him out of the scrape, with and steady glance, and threw back his even the appearance of decency. He ample shoulders to give full force to the rose, and by gestures, for no voice could words he was about to utter. His be heard in the deafening clamour which whole demeanour marked hiin a pracraged around, supplicated for a hearing. tised artist in addressing such a crowd Angry as the mob was, and flown with as was around him.
He bowed once the insolence of victory over their supe- or twice carelessly, and waved impariors, his personal character and influ- tiently with his hand to check the thanonce had considerable weight with their ders of applause. Loud and long did leaders, and a well understood signal that thunder continue, nor
was it from them Julled the multitude, after checked by any other consideration than some indignant cries of contempt and that it was hindering their champion hatred, into an unwilling silence. He from speaking. When the anxious ex