own clients; the Old Bailey creates its thieves, the very pair of old breeches, for the very filching of which the lucky dog is sent to be a freeholder and M. P. in New South Wales, are created by Moses, the jew, with his black canvass bag. Here, however, that curse of all philosophy, yclept a "double-handed shot," comes smack through the running rigging of as trim a vessel as ever spread her rays on a sea of ink. Well might the physical saint-makers, Michael Angelo, and all the other humbugs, whoever scratched a lime-stone, or dipped a hog's bristle in grease in furtherance of the fine arts, of priestcraft and the holy inquisition, clap a pair of horns on the Jewish lawgiver for-

-(Law-giver is not the word; again, for Moses got the tables before he gave them. Therefore, pitch the whole fathers. of the church, with Poole and Matthew Henry about their necks, make Moses the law getter in all time coming, and say Katerfelto bade you; or, if you do not like himself, say his cat; a far more orthodox-looking article than is to be found in the pulpit of many a church, For "for" was the word we stopped at

Never were the horns of a dilemma, more apparent than in this same Moses the jew. They are these: Is Moses a jew because he wears a beard; or does he wear a beard because he is a jew? CORNELIUS AGRIPPA. Queen's Square, Monday.

Most respected and beloved Sir, (says Mr. Clough, rising up to address the Rev. Bengo Collyer, when presiding at the last meeting of the Saints, in Orange-street) I crave the indulgence of this respectable assembly, while I anfold to view the good things vouchsafed by, benevolence, in leading back sinners from their evil ways. I have, Sir, so many stories of this kind to tell, that I

know which to begin with. But, see on the bench before me, amongst the ranks of our brethren, some worthy members of the military profession, I shall select, from the long list in my note-book, the wonderful conversion of a soldier.

Not long ago, in the regiment, then quartered in Dublin, there happened to be a man who was remarkable both for his bodily strength and military prowess. To his allegiance to his earthly prince he was true, but from the service of him that is above he was an apostate. Oh! Sir, how shall I describe him?how shall I recite the sad tale! Oh! how it would melt his now regenerate soul, were he here to listen to ine, while I reminded him of his misdeeds, of his vileness, of his blasphemy.Sir, he seldom uttered a sentence without an oath, and his oaths were of the most frightful description. Blush not, my dear friends in the red coats, that a brother should be so wicked; he then resembled you in nothing but in the livery he wore; but he is now reclaimed and walks "clothed in the armour of light."

This man, Sir, on one particular oceasion, having uttered some horrible imprecations, was rebuked by a most reli gious fellow-soldier, who asked him whether he was not afraid of being struck dumb, for thus abusing the excellent gift of speech. But so obdurate was he, that, waxing wroth, he had the hardihood even to repeat his assertion with many more oaths. In two nights after this, he happened to be on duty as sentinel, when the officer on going round to visit the out-posts came to the place where he had been stationed, and receiving no answer to the usual challenge, thought that he must have deserted; but, on coming nearer, he found him lying on the ground, covered with a cold sweat. He appeared quite insensible, was stupid as if horror-struck. He was at once raised up and taken to the guardhouse, but could give no account of what had occurred, except by signs.-It was at length discovered, that as he paced back and forward at his post, a huge animal, of the shape of a goat, approaching him from behind, put its forefeet on his shoulders, pressed him to the earth, and kept him there unable to speak or move. The goat had vanished

who it was I need not, say, my brethren-but its influence remained heavy on the body and soul of the soldier, so he lay in the state in which he was found.

Sir, his companions but laughed at and derided him, so hard of heart were they; his officers declared him an im

postor, and only pretended to be dumb. At last he was sent to the hospital. But, oh! how shall I tell the sad tale of his sufferings his oppressions and his wrongs he bore them all with the meekness of a lamb-and, thanks to his unshaken fortitude, he now has his discharge in his pocket in spite of the gainsayers.

Some of the wicked ones said he ought to be flogged, until he spoke and confessed himself a cheat; others that he ought to be bled-more blistered, and so onthese latter cruelties were put in practice one after another with vile inge nuity. He was bled, and bled again, in order to force him, through fear of death, to confess; but, though reduced to the last stage of misery, and even when the cruel steel was again bared to spill his precious blood, to use the language of the profane stage, "He smiled at the drawn dagger, and defied its point," for he was yet strong and shrunk not.

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In the same room with our poor brother was another fellow-sufferer, who, like William Huntingdon, of blessed memory, may write himself S. S.-meaning Sinner saved," a title far more glorious than any that mere man can confer. This excellent man, having already received the light himself, undertook the task of infusing it into the soul of his poor benighted brother, who 'could neither hear nor speak, and had never learned to read or write. But, oh! how delightful it is to recount the miraculous success of his undertaking. Sir, in one short week he could write, on a slate, most graceful, well-shaped letters. He did not, it is true, practice to write with a quill in sand, as Joseph Lancaster advises for beginners-nobut on a slate, hard as had been his own unregenerate heart. In a fortnight he I could read a hymn; in a month, a gospel; and so great was his progress, that even the gainsayers stood reproved, and confessed it most miraculous.

symptom of hearing, until the word discharge was pronounced: - but that blessed sound operated on him like a charm; it opened the cearments of his ears, for he testified his thanks by a smile, but as yet he spake not.

That was reserved until the discharge was granted; at the very sight of it he danced with joy, and sung, and spoke, --he prayed; but swore not. Oh! Sir, here was a conversion and a miracle. He intended to address you this evening-but is engaged in another good work. He is joined with that great reformer John Hale, of whom we all have heard so much.-John Hale, Sir, until lately, was a baker of bread, and ministered to the wants of the body-but he lost that humble calling, and has turned to a better trade-he now provides for the wants of the spirit, being a worker in the vineyard. As the great Wesley of old was sent to reclaim the colliers, those two disciples are about to go forth amongst the soldiers. John Hale shall address them with speeches and tracts, our new brother will show them the scars on his arms, and t the swellings his feet, caused by weakness and bleeding; and if these cannot move them to follow his bright example, from his pocket drawing forth his discharge, he will

on

"Shoulder his stick, and tell how it was

Henceforth, Sir, you shall see no more of our fellow-creatures clothed in the wages of sin; I mean those red coals. I crave pardon of our worthy brethren in red before me, but I know that, before long, they will cease to follow, in the ranks of the destroyer, preferring to lead, like good shepherds, the flocks of the righteous. Sir, they are about to turn over to our ranks, and, instead of being arrayed in gorgeous red, they will be clothed in sober black. Instead of goading the sides of brute animals with spur and lash, they will tear open the seared consciences of the worldling and the gainsayer, and show them bare and bleeding. This is their proper calling in this they will follow our example by this they will thrive and prosper; - fraud and violence shall disappear, and the whole community be divided into two great classes the flocks and the shepherds. So having spoken, Mr. Clough sat down amidst thunders of applause. The soldiers present were especially vociferous in their approbation,

and it was evident that more than one among them pondered in his mind the possibility of getting up a similar miracle.

When the applause had subsided, Corporal Claney, an Irishman, with a

particular fine specimen of a high Tipperary accent, claimed the attention of the auditory; but, in imitation of Scheherazade, the queen of story-tellers, we shall defer to the next number the corporal's tale.

MOST men wish to pass for wits, a very excusable species of dissimulation, or, at least, to be considered agreeable companious. I think, therefore, I shall render such gentlemen, and the elegant coteries they frequent, an essential service by giving them the following hints, which, if properly attended to, cannot fail to produce the desired effect. There are several single gentlemen in the public offices to whom they will be particuJarly useful, and, indeed, now that wearing military uniforms is exploded in fashionable life, I think the military may read them with much profit and edification.

I tum

I.

Never arrive at the place to which you are invited at the time appointed, by which means you may pass for a man of business, or a or a man of pleasure, as occasion may require. Should the lady or gentleman of the house make any observation on this, you must observe, with great good-humour, that from your frequent inattention to punctuality in your appointments, yo.." N.B. Take are called by your friends-" the I care not to aspire to it cocknically; stay, lest some rival should hint that you should, therefore, be cut.

When you are seated at dinner, exa

there be any ham at table, you must call for, and, having tasted, praise immoderately, affecting to be a wonderful connoisseur in hog's flesh. Your hostess, anxious to convince her guests what an excellent housewife she is, will not fail to ask you the best method of saving her bacon, to which you will reply, "To waste her poultry." lo enoitsong yoh bus

Should there liesa Frenchman in company (ino failure of him, any foreigner will answer your purpose,) when he is helped to ham, which you can easily contrive to have done by giving proper directions to the servant, ask him, in a voice to be heard by every one present,

If you happen to visit in any Gothic family, where it may fall to your lot to say grace, when the cloth is removed, first ask if a clergyman be present, and on being answered there is not, say, with a significant nod, "thank God!" Or, leaning forward with a graceful inclination of the head, place each hand upon a decanter of wine, and say, “For what we are going to receive, may the Lord make us truely thankful." Then, as you pass round the wine, observe, that you think coasters a very inappli. cable term for the decanter-stands, and that jolly-boats, in your opinion, would be much more suited to their avocations. VI.

When the dessert is laid, some impertinent will take an opportunity of paying court to his entertainers, by praising the excellence of the fruit, or their tasteful arrangement; at which you are to look round the table inquiringly, and say, with an ineffable smile of self-complacency" I," laying a particular emphasis on the word I" I never saw a table less deserted."Your rival, who had begun to poach upon your free-warren, imagining that more is meant than

meets the ear," will be quite confounded and not venture a remark; you will, therefore, extinguish a formidable rival in your efforts to be the star of the company. VII.

If the children are introduced during the dessert, the chances of which are ten to one in your favour, take the youngest boy on your knee, and place your glass of wine within his reach; a bait he will be sure to take, by drinking part of its contents; then turning to mamma, say, "This young gentleman is born for the church he has already commenced his labours in the vineyard.”

VIII.

Be sure not to retire from the gentlemen till cards are introduced among the ladies. Should one of your companions, in order to spare his friend's wine, which is common enough with a certain class of toad-eaters, make a proposition to join the ladies, ask him how long is it since he entered into orders? by which interrogation you may fairly calculate upon silencing his impertinences for that evening. When you have entered the drawing-room, walk about, and coming to the largest group engaged at a round game (the name of which you must previously make yourself acquainted with,) enquire what they are playing at; and when you are told it is Cominerce, Spe"If you culation, or Loo, say, that, were to judge by their numbers, you would have concluded it was Vingt un.'

IX.

Should there be dancing, take care to invite for your partner the young lady whose papa gives the most frequent dinner-parties, and whom you must endeavour to entertain with several anecdotes, while the side-couples caper through the pantalon; for example, relate that anecdote on your journey to Paris, for you must pretend to be a great traveller; by

You will then request to be introduced to papa, a man probably in official station, of which he will not be a little vain; but, to make you think as highly of him as possible, he will dilate most eloquently on the inconvenience of serving public-offices, and tell you, that he is every day beset with petitioners, whom he is obliged to drive from his house by force. You may then very well address him in these words: "My dear Sir, never drive these people away, it will procure you a bad name."- "What then, Sir," he will ask, "must I do?"Why, Sir, wait till they go away of their own accord."

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By a due attention to these simple hints you will very soon acquire the reputation of a clever fellow, and your company, in consequence, be courted by all your acquaintance. But, as it will be necessary to keep up this character by further exertion on your part, I will, if I find that I have not been throwing pearls before swine, give you, at some future period, such additional instruction as shall answer your mo most sanguine expectations. In the mean time, I am, gentlemen, Your well-wisher, JEREMY SPRUCE.

Monument Coffee-house,
Oct. 29, 1824.

DEAR JOHN,