For all the weary years of my young life
Must be gone through in lonely solitude,
And all my natural affections quenched;
For Honour says I needs must pluck thee from
My heart, and cast thee out.
Oh, Holy Mother, how can I do this?
How can I make this cruel, cruel wrench?
'Twixt Love and Duty-rather should be said
'Twixt Love and Law-there comes a struggle
My lord, I am not free; I wear the yoke
Of marriage-bonds that only Death relieves.
Ten years ago I was a happy girl,
Although an orphan; placed all safe 'twas thought
In quiet convent school, therein to stay
In strict seclusion till I was of age.
My liberty attained, I would be free
To choose the veil or enter marriage state
With full consent of my two guardians.
'Twas known throughout the convent I was rich; The same was talked of in the village too;
But of the will and testament, exact
Provisions no one knew, save these old men
A priest and layman. Now, our convent stood
Hard by the village-quiet, grey, and old,
Secluded and embowered within tall trees,
And high stone walls encircling these.
Ah, those were happy days! To me the nuns Appeared like angels pure; they thought of naught But God and Jesu's Virgin Mother. Thus,
Their love of Heaven to prove, they gave them
To teach and train us children. Oft I stood,
And gazing upwards to the vault of heaven
I wondered if the angels there our nuns
Resembled aught. The painted pictures of
Sweet saints had wings, and harps of gold, but these
Were 'tired in darkest garb, as if our world
Were type of death, and sin, and hell, or all.
Anear the village dwelt one Carlos, gay
And profligate, yet handsome, tall, well-made.
His means all dissipated, he was urged
By strong necessity to find a mode of livelihood.
He sought my hand that he might get my gold;
A low confederate of his did wait
Upon us girls. She whispered in mine ears
How grand a thing to gain a gallant's love.
Tempted by her and him, and teased, and pressed,
At length I did give way and fled; a priest
As vile as he then made us man and wife.
But fifteen summers had sped o'er my head
When that villain base decoyed me thus.
Oh, what a wretched life he led me then!
Completely baffled, foiled, when he had learned
His marriage brought no wealth (without consent
The whole was lost; the convent gained my lands),
Then how he raved, and swore like madman wild,
And made my life a sea of misery.
I had no friends. Shut out from all the world
From early childhood, I knew no pitying soul
To whom I could appeal. He hated me.
A woman base as he held all his heart,
And daily urged him on to leave me. I
Had hoped our little babe would, when the time
Was come, his hard heart melt.
One day 'tis graven on my brain with fire-
He came no more. We lived alone, we two:
Our simple meal was spread, of which I would
Not taste till his return. I filled the place
Of wife, and thrall-even I, the heiress of
Fair Italy's fairest lands. No handmaid now
To wait upon my will. He knew full well
Mine hour I looked for, day by day, but yet
He did desert me.
In my solitude, still watching for him,
The pains of travail overtook me straight.
That long night I lay wrestling with my pain,
With none to help. (The memory of it makes
My whole frame shudder.)
Then, in my dreadful agony, I prayed
That I might die. The anguish of my soul
Exceeded many times the travail-pains.
'Twas like a spell of hell that awful night, My mind and frame with torture torn, and soon My strength was spent.
Then I remembered that another life
Might claim my care-that I must live for one
Who struggled now for life; and so I braved
For its dear sake the terrors of that night.
Oh, how I longed for day; that some stray soul
Might haply touch the latch and bring me aid!
When morning came a little child, to whom
I oft gave alms and cheerful words, peeped in.
What joy! She ran all fleetly to a house—
The nearest one-and thus my life was saved.
But, ah, that spark of life was quenched which I
Had looked to light the utter darkness of
My home, unblessed by one small ray of love!
That gift of God to cheer my desert-path
Was lost the babe, so strong erstwhile within my
In its unaided struggles for its life
Was slain, and with it gone my dream of love.
How my hot soul in strong rebellion rose,
And in my heart I thought that God took heed
Of naught that cruel wrong its rampant course
Would run for ever here!
Then utter weakness held me down; I lay
For weeks 'twixt life and death, all cold and white.
When I revived, and hue of health came back
To my wan cheeks, I vowed a solemn vow
In deepest bitterness of soul that I
Had done with him for ever.
His paramour with him had fled away.
I cast aside his ring: I would not own
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