branches of this family were no lefs diftinguished for their illuftrious progeny. Jacques, the founder, first quartered lace on his coat, and Robert added the fhoulder-knot. Some of them, indeed, met with great trouble: Archbishop Paul loft his See for getting a cookmaid with child; Barbara, the Maid of

Honour, was difmiffed with a big belly; Brigadier William was killed by a Chairman in a pitched battle at an ale-house; the Lord of the Admiralty was tranfported for feven years; and Duke Robert had the misfortune to be hanged at Tyburn.

SIR,

TO MR. TOWN.

Am married to a lady of a very nice and delicate difpofition, who is cried up by all the good women of her acquaintance, for being the Neatest Body in ker Houfe they ever knew. This, Sir, is my grievance: this extraordinary Neatnefs is fo very troublefome and difgufting to me, that I protest I had rather lodge in a carrier's inn, or take up my

abode with the horfes in the tables.

It must be confeffed that a due regard to Neatnefs and Cleanliness is as neceffary to be obferved in our habitations as our perfons; but though I fhould not chule to have my hands begrimed like a chimney-fweeper's, I would not, like the fuperftitious Mahometans, wash them fix times a day; and though I fhould be loth to roll in a pig-itye, yet I do not like to have my houfe rendered ufclefs to me under the pretence of keeping it

clean.

For my own part, I cannot fee the difference between having an houfe that is always dirty, and an houte that is always to be cleaned. I could very willingly compound to be washed out of my home, with other mafters of families, every Saturday night; but my wife is fo very notable, that the fame cleaning work mult he repeated every day in the week. All the morning Jong I am fure to be entertained with the domestic concert of ferubbing the floors, fcouring the irons, and beating the carpets; and I am conitantly hunted from room to room, while one is to be dufted, another dry-rubbed, another washed, and another run over with a dry mop. Thus, indeed, I may be faid to live in

TER.

continual dirtinefs, that my house may be clean; for during thefe nice opera tions every apartment is ftowed with foap, brick-duft, fand, fcrubbingbrushes, hair-brooms, rag-mops, and difh-clouts.

You may fuppofe that the greatest care is taken to prevent the leaft fpeck of dirt from foiling the floors. For this reafon all that come to our house (befides the ceremony of fcraping at the door) are obliged to rub their fhoes for half an hour on a large ragged mat at the entrance; and then they must straddle their way along feveral leffer mats, ranged at due diftances from each other in the paffage, and (like boys at play) come into the room with an hop, a step, and a jump. The like caution is ufed by all the family; I myself am scarce allowed to ftir a ftep without flippers; my wife creeps on tip-toe up and down ftairs; the maid- fervants are continually ftumping below in clogs or pattens; and the footman is obliged to fneak about the houfe bare-footed, as if he came with a fly defign to fteal fomething.

After what has been faid, you will naturally conclude that my wife muft be no lefs nice in other particulars. But as it is obferved by Swift, that a nice

6

man is a man of nafty ideas,' in like manner we may affirm, that your very neat people are the moft flovenly on many occafions. They cannot conceive that any thing which is done by fuch delicate perfons can paffibly give offence: Ihave, therefore, often been in pain for my wife, when I have leen her, before company, duft the tea-cups with a foul apron or a washing gown; and I have more than once blushed for her, when,

through

through her extreme cleanliness, the has not been contented without breathing into our drinking-glaffes, and afterwards wiping them with her pocket handkerchief. People, Mr. Town, who are not very intimate with families, feldom fee them (especially the female part) but in difguife: and it will be readily allowed, that a lady wears a very different aspect when he comes before company, than when the first fits down to her toilet. My wife appears decent enough in her apparel to thofe who vifit us in the afternoon; but in the morning the is quite another figure. Her ufual dishabille then is, an ordinary ftuff jacket and petticoat, a double clout thrown over her head and pinned under her chin, a black greafy bonnet, and a coarfe dowlas apron; fo that you would rather take her for a chair-woman. Nor, indeed, does the fcruple to ftoop to the meanest drudgery of fuch an occupation: for fo great is her love of Cleanliness, that I have often feen her on her knees fcouring the hearth, and fpreading dabs of vinegar and fuller's earth over the boards.

This extraordinary folicitude in my wife for the cleanliness of her rooms, and the care and prefervation of her furniture, makes my houfe entirely ufelets, and takes away all that eafe and fainiliarity which is the chief comfort of one's own home. I am obliged to make fhift with the most ordinary accommodations, that the more handfome pieces of furniture may remain unfoiled, and be always fet out for fhew and magnifi. cence. I am never allowed to eat from any thing better than a Delft plate, that the ceconomy of the beaufait, which is embellished with a variety of China, may not be difarranged: and indeed my wife prides herfelf particularly on her ingenious contrivance in this article, having ranged among the reft fome old China not fit for ufe, but difpofed in fuch a manner, as to conceal the treaks of white paint that cement the broken pieces together. I muft drink my beer out of an earthen mug, though a great quantity of plate is constantly difplayed on the fide-board; while all the furni ture, except when we have company, is done up in paper, as if the family, to whom it belongs, were gone into the country. In a word, Sir, any thing that is decent and cleanly is too good to be used, for fear it thould be dirtied;

and I live with every convenience at hand, without the power of enjoying one of them. I have elegant apartments, but am almoft afraid to enter them; I have plate, china, and the moft genteel furniture, but muft not use them; which is as ridiculous an abfurdity, and almoft as great an hardship, as if I had hands without the power of moving them; the organs of fight, fmell, tafte, without being fuffered to exert them; and feet without being permitted to walk.

Thus, Sir, this extravagant paffion for Cleanlinefs, fo predominant in my wife, keeps the family in a perpetual state of muck and dirt; and while we are furrounded with all neceffaries, fitbjets us to every inconvenience. But what makes it fill a greater grievance is, that it has been the ridiculous caute of many other misfortunes. I have fometimes created her anger by littering the room with throwing my garters on a chair, or hanging my peruque on one of the gilt fconces. Having once unluckily spilt a bottle of ink on one of the best carpets, he was irreconcileable for a month; and I had fearce brought her to temper again, when I most unfortunately ran against the footman, who was entering with the dinner, and threw down a leg of pork and peafe-pudding on the parlour floor. This fuperabun dant neatnefs did once alfo very nearly occafion my death; for while I lay ill of a fever, my delicate wife, thinking it would refresh me, ordered my bedchamber to be mopped: and the fame fcrupulous nicety was alfo the means of our lofing a very confiderable addition to our fortune.

A rich old uncle, on whom we had great dependance, came up to town latt fummer on purpose to pay us a visit: but though he had rode above fixty miles that day, he was obliged to ftand in the paffage till his boots were pulled off, for fear of foiling the Turkey car pet. After fupper the old gentleman, as was his conftant practice, defired to have his pipe: but this you may be fure could by no means be allowed, as the filthy stench of the tobacco would never be gotten out of the furniture again; and it was with much ado that my wife would even fuffer him to go down and fmoke in the kitchen. We had no room to lodge him in, except a garret with nothing but bare walls; because the Chints bed-chamber was, indeed, too

nice

nice for a dirty country fquire. Thefe flights very much chagrined my good uncle: but he had not been with us above a day or two, before my wife and he came to an open quarrel on the following occafion. It happened that he had brought a favourite pointer with him, who at his first coming was immediately locked up in the coal-hole: but the dog having found means to efcape, had crept dily up ftairs, and (befides other marks of his want of delicacy) had very calmly stretched himself out upon a crimson damak fettee. My wife not only fentenced him to the difcipline

of the whip, but infifted upon having the criminal hanged up afterwards; when the matter interpofing in his behalf, it produced fuch high words between them, that my uncle ordered his horfe, and fwore he would never darken our doors again as long as he breathed. He went hoine, and about two months after died: but as he could not forgive the ill treatment which both he and his dog had met with at our houfe, he had altered his will, which before he had made entirely in our favour.

T

I am, Sir, your humble fervant, PETER PLAINALL.

TH

HE ufe of language is the ready communication of our thoughts to one another. As we cannot produce the objects which raife ideas in our minds, we ufe words, which are made figns of thofe objects. No man could otherwife convey to another the idea of a table or chair, without pointing to thofe pieces of furniture; as children are taught to remember the names of things by boking at their pictures. Thus, if I wanted to mention King Charles on horteback, I muft carry my companion to Charing Crofs; and would I next tell him of the ftatue of Sir John Barnard, we must trudge back again, and he mutt wait for my meaning till we got to the Royal Exchange. We fhould be like the fages of Laputa, who (as Gulliver tells us) having fubfiituted things for words, used to carry about them fuch things as were neceffary to exprefs the particular bulinefs they were to difcourfe I have often beheld,' fays he, two of thofe fages almoft finking under the weight of their packs, like pedlars among us: who, when they met in the streets, would lay down their loads, open their facks, and hold converfation for an hour together; then put up their implements, help each other to refume their burthens, and take their leave.' In thefe circopilances a man of the feweft words could not, indeed, talk without carrying about him a much larger apparatus

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In

of converfation than is contained in the bag of the noted Yeates, or any other light-of-hand artift: he could not speak of a chicken cr an owl, but it must be ready in his pocket to be produced. fuch a cafe, we could not fay we heard, but we faw the converfation of a friend, as in the epiftolary correspondence, carried on by thofe pretty biereglyphic letters (as they are called), where the picture of a deer and a woman finely dreft is made to stand for the expreffion of dear lady.

But the invention of words has removed thefe difficulties; and we may talk not only of any thing we have feen, but what neither we nor the persons to whom we speak ever faw. Thus we can convey to another the idea of a battle, without being reduced to the difagreeable neceffity of learning it from the cannon's mouth: and we can talk of the people in the world of the moon, without being obliged to make use of Bishop Wilkins's artificial wings to fly thither. Words, therefore, in the or dinary coufe of life, are like the papermoney among mercharts, invented as a more ready conveyance, by which the largelt fum can be tranfiaitted to the moft diftant place with as much eate as a letter; while the fame in fpecie would require bags aud chefis, and even carts or faps, to transport it. But, however great thefe advantages are, the ule of language has brought along with

it feveral inconveniences, as well as paper-money; for as this latter is more liable to mifcarry, more eafily concealed, ព carried off, or counterfeited, than bullion, merchants have frequent caufes to complain that the convenience of this fort of cafh is not without it's alloy of evil; and we find, that in the ufe of language there is fo much room for deceit and mistake, that though it does not render it ufelefs, it is much to be wished fome remedy could be contrived.

Men are fo apt to ufe the fame words in different fentes, and call the fame thing by different names, that oftentimes they cannot understand others, or be themselves understood. If one calls that thing black which another calls green, or that prodigality which another calls generofity, they mistake each other's meaning, and can never agree till they explain the words. It is to this we owe so much wrangling in discourse, and fo many volumes of controverfy on almost every part of literature. I have known a difpute carried on with great warmth, and when the difputants have come to explain what each meant, it has been difcovered they were both of a fide: like the men in the Play, who met and fought first, and, after each had been heartily beaten, found themselves to be friends. What should we fay, if this practice of calling things by a wrong name was to obtain among tradefinen? If you was to fend to your haberdasher for an hat, you might receive a pair of ftockings; or inftead of a cordial julep from your apothecary, be furnished with a cathartic or a clyfter.

It would be needlefs to infit upon, the inconveniences arifing from the mifufe or mifapprehenfion of terms in all verbal combats; whether they be fought on the fpot by word of mouth, or (ke a game of Chefs) maintained, even though lands and feas interpofe, by the affiftance of the prefs. In our ordinary converfation, it is notorious, that no lefs confufion has arifen from the wrong application or perverfion of the original and most natural import of words. I remember, when I commenced author, I published a little pamphlet, which I flattered myfelf had fome merit, though I must confels it did not fell. Confcious of my growing fame, I resolved to fend the first fruits of it to an uncle in the country, that my relations might judge of the great honour I was likely

to prove to the family: but how was I mortified, when the good man fent me word, that he was forry to find I had ruined myfelf, and had wrote a book; for the parfon of the parish had affured him that authors were never worth a farthing, and always died in a gaol. Notwithstanding this remonstrance, I have ftill perfifted in my Ruin; which at prefent I cannot fay is quite compleated," as I can make two meals a day, have yet a coat to my back, with a clean fhirt for Sundays at least, and am lodged fomewhat below a garret. However, this prediction of my uncle has often led me to confider, in how many fenfes, different from it's general acceptation, the word Ruined is frequently made ufe of. When we hear this word applied to another, we should'naturally imagine! the perfon is reduced to a state worfe than he was in before, and fo low that it is scarce poffible for him to rife again : but we hall often find, inftead of his being undone, that he has rather met with fome extraordinary good fortune;. and that thofe who pronounce him ruined, either mean you should understand it in fome other light, or elfe call him undone, becaufe he differs from them in his way of life, or because they with him to be in that fituation. I need not point out the extreme cruelty, as well as injuftice, in the mifipplication of this term; as it may literally ruin a man, by destroying his character; according to the old English proverb- Give a dog an ill name, and hang him.'

Molt people are, indeed, fo entirelv taken up with their own narrow views, that, like the jaundiced eye, every thing appears to them of the fame colour. From this felfih prejudice they are led to make a wrong judgment of the notives and actions of others: and it is no wonder that they thould fee Ruin ftaring every man in the face, who happens not to think as they do: I fhall, therefore, here fet down a catalogue of fome of my own acquaintance, whom the charity and good-nature of the world have not fcrupled to pronounce abfolutely ruined.

A young clergyman of Cambridge might have had a good college-living in about thirty years time, or have been at the head of the houfe: but he chofe to quit his fellowship for a finall cure in town with a view of recommending himself by his preaching Ruined. 2 G

A fellow

A fellow of another college in the fame univerfity refused to quit his books and his retirement, to live as chaplain with a fmoking, drinking, fwearing, foxhunting country fquire, who would have provided for him Ruined.

Dr. Claffic, a young phyfician from Oxford, might have had more practice than Radcliffe or Mead: but having ftudied Ariftotle's Poetics, and read the Greek Tragedies, well as Galen nd Hippocrates, he was tempted to write a play, which was univerfaily applauded, and the author was Ruined.

A Student of the Temple might have made fure of a Judge's Robes, or the, Chancellor's Seals; but being tired of fauntering in Westminster Hall without even getting half a guinea for a motion, he has accepted of a commiffion in one of the new-raifed regiments, and is Ruined.

A younger brother of a good family threw himself away upon an obscure widow with a jointure, of 500l. per ann. Ruined. by which he is

Another, a man of fortune, fell in love with, and married a genteel girl without a farthing; and though the makes him an excellent wife, he is univerfally allowed to have Ruined himself.

Before I conclude, I cannot but take notice of the strange sense, in which a

friend of mine once heard this word used in company by a girl of the town. The young creature, being all life and spirits, engroffed all the converfation to herself; and herself indeed was the subject of all the converfation: but what most furprized him, was the manner in which the used this word Ruined; which occurred frequently in her discourse, though never intended by her to convey the meaning generally affixed to it. It ferved her fometimes as an æra to determine the date of every occurrence — She bought fuch a gown, just after the was ruined-The fuit time the faw Garrick in Ranger, she was in doubt whether it was before or after fhe was ruined.➡ Having occafion to mention a young gentleman, the burst into raptures—' O

me,

he is a dear creaturel-He it was that ' ruined me-O he is a dear foul!-He 'carried me to an inn ten miles from my father's house in the country, where he ruined me.-If he had not ruined I thould have been as miferable and as moping as my filters. But the dear foul was forced to go abroad C upon his travels, and I was obliged to come upon the town three weeks after I was ruined-no, not so much as three weeks after I was ruined-yes, it ' was full three weeks after I wasruined.