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Nor to her bed no homage do I owe:
Far more, far more, to you do I decline.
Spread o'er the silver waves thy golden hairs,
That's my sister.
It is thyself, mine own self's better part;
O soft, sir, hold you still; I'll fetch my sister, to get her good-will.
Enter from the House of ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS,
DROMIO OF SYRACUSE.
Ant. S. Why, how now, Dromio? where run'st thou so fast?
Dro. S. Do you know me, sir? am I Dromio? am I your man? am I myself?
Ant. S. Thou art Dromio, thou art my man, thou art thyself.
Dro. S. I am an ass, I am a woman's man, and beside myself.
Ant. S. What woman's man? and how beside thyself? Dro. S. Marry, sir, beside myself, I am due to a woman; one that claims me, one that haunts me, one that will have me.
Ant. S. What claim lays she to thee?
Dro. S. Marry, sir, such claim as you would lay to your horse and she would have me as a beast; not that, I being a beast, she would have me; but that she, being a very beastly creature, lays claim to me.
Ant. S. What is she?
Dro. S. A very reverent body; ay, such a one as a man may not speak of without he say sir-reverence: I have but lean luck in the match, and yet is she a wondrous fat marriage.
Ant. S. How dost thou mean?-a fat marriage?
Dro. S. Marry, sir, she's the kitchen-wench, and all grease; and I know not what use to put her to, but to make a lamp of her, and run from her by her own light. I warrant, her rags, and the tallow in them, will burn a Poland winter: if she lives till doomsday, she 'll burn a week longer than the whole world.
Ant. S. What complexion is she of?
Dro. S. Swart, like my shoe; but her face nothing like so clean kept: for why? she sweats, a man may go over shoes in the grime of it.
Ant. S. That's a fault that water will mend.
Dro. S. No, sir, 'tis in grain; Noah's flood could not do it. Ant. S. What's her name?
Dro. S. Nell, sir;-but her name and three quarters, that is an ell and three quarters, will not measure her from hip to hip.
Ant. S. Then she bears some breadth?
Dro. S. No longer from head to foot than from hip to hip: she is spherical, like a globe: I could find out countries in her.
Ant. S. In what part of her body stands Ireland?
Dro. S. Marry, sir, in her buttocks: I found it out by the bogs.
Ant. S. Where Scotland?
Dro. S. I found it by the barrenness; hard in the palm of the hand.
Ant. S. Where France?
Dro. S. In her forehead; armed and reverted, making war against her hair.
Ant. S. Where England?
Dro. S. I looked for the chalky cliffs, but I could find no whiteness in them: but I guess it stood in her chin, by the salt rheum that ran between France and it.
Ant. S. Where Spain?
Dro. S. Faith, I saw it not; but I felt it hot in her breath.
Ant. S. Where America-the Indies?
Dro. S. O, sir, upon her nose, all o'er embellished with rubies, carbuncles, sapphires, declining their rich aspect to the hot breath of Spain; who sent whole armadas of carracks to be ballast at her nose.
Ant. S. Where stood Belgia, -the Netherlands?
Dro. S. O, sir, I did not look so low.-To conclude, this drudge or diviner laid claim to me; called me Dromio; swore I was assured to her; told me what privy marks I had about me, as the mark of my shoulder, the mole in my neck, the great wart on my left arm, that I, amazed, ran from her as a witch: and, I think, if my breast had not been made of faith and my heart of steel, she had transformed me to a curtail-dog, and made me turn i' the wheel. Ant. S. Go, hie thee presently post to the road; And if the wind blow any way from shore, I will not harbour in this town to-night. If any bark put forth, come to the mart, Where I will walk till thou return to me. If every one knows us, and we know none, 'Tis time, I think, to trudge, pack, and be gone. Dro. S. As from a bear a man would run for life, So fly I from her that would be my wife.
Ant. S. There's none but witches do inhabit here;
Ang. Master Antipholus?
Ant. S. Ay, that's my name.
Ang. I know it well, sir. Lo, here is the chain;
I thought to have ta'en you at the Porcupine:
The chain unfinish'd made me stay thus long.
Ant. S. What is your will that I shall do with this?
Ang. What please yourself, sir; I have made it for you.
Ant. S. Made it for me, sir! I bespoke it not.
Ang. Not once nor twice, but twenty times you have: Go home with it, and please your wife withal;
And soon at supper-time I'll visit you,
And then receive my money for the chain.
Ant. S. I pray you, sir, receive the money now, For fear you ne'er see chain nor money more.
Ang. You are a merry man, sir; fare you well.
I see a man here needs not live by shifts,
When in the streets he meets such golden gifts.
SCENE I.-The Same.
Enter a Merchant, ANGELO, and an Officer.
Mer. You know, since Pentecost the sum is due,
Nor now I had not, but that I am bound
Ang. Even just the sum that I do owe to you
Is growing to me by Antipholus;
And in the instant that I met with you
I shall receive the money for the same:
Enter ANTIPHOLUS OF EPHESUS, and DROMIO OF EPHESUS.
Off. That labour may you save: see where he comes. Ant. E. While I go to the goldsmith's house, go thou And buy a rope's end; that will I bestow
Among my wife and her confederates,
For locking me out of doors by day.
But, soft; I see the goldsmith: get thee gone;
Buy thou a rope, and bring it home to me.
Dro. E. I buy a thousand pound a year! I buy a rope!
Ant. E. A man is well holp up that trusts to you: I promised your presence, and the chain;
But neither chain nor goldsmith came to me:
Ant. E. I am not furnished with the present money; Besides, I have some business in the town:
Good Signior, take the stranger to my house,
And with you take the chain, and bid my wife
Perchance I will be there as soon as you.
Ang. Then you will bring the chain to her yourself? Ant. E. No; bear it with you, lest I come not time enough.
Ang. Well, sir, I will: have you the chain about you? Ant. E. An if I have not, sir, I hope you have,
Or else you may return without your money.
Ang. Nay, come, I pray you, sir, give me the chain; Both wind and tide stays for this gentleman,
And I, to blame, have held him here too long.
Ant. E. Good lord, you use this dalliance to excuse
Mer. The hour steals on; I pray you, sir, despatch.
Ant. E. Fie! now you run this humour out of breath:
If not, I'll leave him to the officer.
Ant. E. I answer you! What should I answer you?
Ant. E. You gave me none: you wrong me much to say so.